The Man, The Myth, The Legend

I've been thinking a lot recently, mainly what I've been thinking about is that I'd love to get back into the writing of stories, poems, songs etc. and playing of guitar that I used to spend much of my free time doing in my late teens, early 20's. The biggest problem with this is that I just don't know where to start, I don't know how to restart the creative processes involved in doing those things. I know it's going to be impossible to just pick up where I left off, for one thing I just don't have the idea's flowing around my head the way they did when I was writing a lot and for another I don't have the finger dexterity or finger "memory" required to play guitar anymore. I know these are generally things that come with practice and being in the right mind set, but I remember being able to do these things, I know I should still be able to do them and that makes me feel disheartened and makes it harder for me to accept that if I'm going to do write and play again then I'm going to have to learn to do it all over again. I'm not sure I have the patience to start all over again, no matter how much I want to.

FUCKKKEEEEDDDDD!!

I'm tired and drained. For some reason after work I just never really feel like spending that much time online so I just don't get round to blogging any more. Anyways I've got the house to myself for a few days and I've made plans to go to Whitby for goth weekend, which should be awesome fun.

You guys need to check out the new Kronenbourg 1664 add, it's awesome Check it out via my lovely youtube link. Just a shame it's an advert for larger, fecking womans drink that it is.

Decision

I came to the decision earlier today that I'm aiming to spend no more than a weeks wages every month from here on. This is all in an effort to save enough money to be able to get some cheap starter furniture together and afford the deposit and the first months rent etc. on a small house with my lovely lady. I want to get out of here and move into somewhere that is, essentially, my own space as soon as possible. What I really want is to be spending Christmas in my own place with my own stuff, just me and my girlfriend our first Christmas together.

ART ATTACK

Had an awesome weekend, despite the weather and feeling generally ill. Saturday night we went out to see the legend that is NEIL BUCHANAN and his, quite frankly awesome, band Marseille. I'll be honest we only went to see them because of who it was and we thought it would be worth seeing for the sake of a nostalgia trip, but it turned out that the band were amazing and Neil's guitar playing was pretty much epic. I shall definitely be on the look out for them coming round again as well as watching for the opportunity to purchase their album. I would recommend them to anyone who loves a bit of late 70's early 80's style hard rock/metal, check them out on their website.

Tell Me Why I Don't Like Mondays

I'm starting to understand the apparent hatred of Mondays that exists in the general populace as I, myself, am starting to develop it. Fortunately for me I have my two oldest and most faithful friends to keep me, more or less, sane, alcohol and fiction.

I have recently started to read Jason Bradbury's Dot.Robot and I am enjoying it very much. I have to admit when I first came across it, tossed at the back of a charity shop bookshelf, I didn't hold up much hope for it. But the cover interested me and the fact that I recognised the name of the author lead me to part with the mammoth amount of 20p, which I now consider money well spent I might add. At first it seems slightly childish, almost as if the author is the main character himself (as there is no doubt many parallels between the two) writing a fantasy about himself as a form of escapism. As you work into the book, however, it becomes more developed and takes on a stronger form and a sort of realism of it's own, generally helped by the authors understanding of current and, not to far, future gadgets and technology. I am only half way through the book myself so can not really comment any further and as always I am loath to post spoilers, I expect to finish it within the next few days so I may talk more about it then, however, I may not.

Current To Read Pile:
The Dangerous Book For Men
James May - How To Land An A330 Airbus
Arthur C Clarke - Profiles Of The Future
Arthur Connan Doyle - The Lost World
Terry Brooks - The Sword Of Shannara
Victor Canning - The Melting Man
Linda Lowery - Spell Of The Winter Wizard
Andrzej Sapkowski - The Last Wish
Max Brooks - The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection From The Living Dead

Current To Play Pile:
The Witcher Enhanced Edition
Mount and Blade: Warband
Fable III (Upon release)

Work Related Rantings

So the end of my first weekend, which has gone far too quickly, after my first full week of work and I wish I could say it was all going well. I hate it, I hate the work, I hate the machine I work with, I hate the fact they expect me to know what I'm doing without being shown, I hate the number of hours, I hate the barely minimum wage pay, I hate the building and I hate the people (ok not all of them, some of them are nice enough). I got through a bottle of bourbon this week and that was purely to make myself feel like a human again when I got in from work, a quarter bottle every night except the one night when I went out to the pub and drank much more than that.

People tell me I should try and have a more positive outlook on life, but I have trouble developing one because when I look at life in general, not just mine, and the state of the world all I can see is pain and misery and suffering. Even in the, so called, rich countries the vast majority of people spend the vast majority of their lives working for the very few people who have all the wealth and ultimately seeing nothing for it but an early grave or an old age full of pain and frailty. I don't want that to be me, I hate the thought of that being me, but I know that there's no way that I can avoid it without dying young. I'll never be one of the privileged few, I'll never have anything, I'll never amount to anything, I will die a tired, dried up old man who spent his life scrimping and saving just to exist.

Mother, I'll Tell My Children Not To Walk Your Way. I'll Tell My Children Not To Hear Your Words What They Mean, What They Say.

My mother is a two faced, heartless bitch. She is a liar, a drunk and a lay about and I frequently find myself having to run errands for her and having to cover for her (although not requested to or even appreciated for doing) with both my dad and siblings. Having her as a mother has left me stunted and unable to function in normal society. I don't have empathy, I struggle to understand people and their motives on even a basic level, I can't trust people, I can't look at people without being paranoid they hate me and are plotting or insulting me behind my back, I am constantly self concious and afraid, however over the years this has given me the ability to detach my mind from my own feelings and opinions, giving me a certain degree of neutrality.

I am the first born of 4 children, 3 boys and 1 girl. I am 27 years so by, more or less, all trains of thought on the subject (with the exception being my own) I am considered an adult, a man. I have a partner and we have been together for a little over 6 months, we're very happy together and are at a stage in our lives and our relationship where neither of us can see a future without the other. This has recently led us into discussing our future and, inevitably, to discuss having children. Both me and my partner want kids within the next few years and obviously with each other.

Talking to my partner about children started me thinking about my childhood and the emotionally detached way my mind works has prompted the realisation that all my life my mother has treated me differently from the others. She has been emotionally distant, unsupportive and, at times, even openly cruel and unkind, whilst all the time being, more or less, the opposite with my siblings. So much so, infact, that the elder of my 2 brothers has a fully furnished flat, a moped and a car to show for it.

You my be excused for thinking this post is self pitying and whiny, but, i asure you it is not meant to be that way. My concern is not for myself, as I am already aware of my more than ample failures and shortcomings, it is for her existing grandchildren and for any children I and the rest of my siblings have in the future. I have, on several occasions, found myself sitting with my nephew because my mother is passed out drunk while she is meant to be looking after him for the day and just last week I found myself constantly checking up on my month old niece because my mum had been drinking heavily whilst she was looking after her over night. My nieces and nephews parents don't know about these occasions and probably never will because I find it difficult to deprive my parents of their grandchildren. Particularly my dad who works extremely hard to keep the family afloat and takes great pleasure in seeing both his grandchildren, although the opportunity does not often arise. I don't want to risk my kids or any other kids from experiencing her the way I have over the years and I certainly don't want to risk children to her care while she is under the influence of alcohol. I feel that when I do finally have children that I am not going to be able to justify allowing them to stay with my parents for fear of how my own mother will be.

A Life In The Day Of.....

I shall start this blog by explaining that today I got offered a job, which I accepted. I start work tomorrow and, although, this isn't a bad thing, as I need money and to make money I must have a job, for my mental condition, it's not a good thing either. I am all too aware of what being in full time employment has done to me in the past, I get depressed, heavily depressed, I start to doubt everything and everyone, eventually I push everyone away from me and start to doubt there being any point in my continued existence.

The whole concept of spending 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, 240 days a year, for 50 years out of a 70 year life drudging for some awful company, with some equally awful people for less money than is necessary to live is highly offensive and degenerate to me. I end up sinking myself into drink and sometimes worse, there has been a few failed attempts at things, that under normal circumstances, I would find horrendous.

I've not even had my first day and already I can feel it creeping around the edges of my perceptions and nibbling at my resolves, I fear it is only a matter of time and I can't afford to lose another job. I am 27 years old and I'm starting to feel this is my last chance, I am too old to start from the bottom again, as I have done on many occasions before. If I fail this time then I fail at life and I don't know where that will take me, I am scared.

Yet Another Blog

Hello there, first post. I have made several expeditions into the blogosphere before all, up until now, have ended up just drifting off into nothingness, as I'm entirely sure this one eventually will. The reason for this is that I have nothing in particular to say, I'm none religious, none political and have a fairly relaxed view of just about anything and everything. My hobbies are such that the vast majority of people would have no interest in hearing about them and they are so casually pursued that even the few people that may have an interest would find my insights to be fairly useless and dull. The knowledge of these facts leads me to use my blog's as a general emotional outlet, knowing that they are almost certainly never going to be seen by anyone other than my self, it gives me scope to talk things out with myself in a way that I probably wouldn't get otherwise. Consequentally they only tend to get used and written in when I have some sort of emotional turmoil going on and often end up getting deleted when I have come to terms/dealt with the issue.