It’s my birthday in a few days and I’m really not looking forward to it, I’ll be 29 this year and I don’t really need a reminder that I’ve basically not done anything of value in over 10 years. I’ve watched most of the people I know go off and carve themselves a little slice of life, work their way up in their world and actually achieve something. I’ve worked hard and I’ve worked long hours, I’ve done every job to the best of my abilities and I’ve done well at every job, yet I’ve never found that niche, I’ve never moved up, I’ve just ended up drifting from one dead end job to another, to another and so on.
Despite all that, the reason I’m dreading my birthday is because it’s also the anniversary of the deaths of my 2 grandads. My birthday isn’t a celebration of my life it’s a day of lamenting the loss of two very important and much missed people.
People have been asking me for weeks what I would like for my birthday, what I’d like to do and if I’d like a gift. All I’ve been able to tell them, usually much to their annoyance, is that there isn’t anything I want and there’s nothing I really need. However that is not really true, there is something I would love for my birthday and that is to spend a day on my own, away from everyone and everything, somewhere out in the country with nothing around me but tree’s and plants, with a dull sky over head. I want to be able to sit out in the greyness and the drizzle and wallow in my own funk, delve deep into my bleak mood and just let it pervade me, thinking of nothing more than myself and my mood. Self indulgent depression and misery, nothing more, nothing less.
There was so much more I wanted to say but I just don’t have the drive for it.
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