Mother, I'll Tell My Children Not To Walk Your Way. I'll Tell My Children Not To Hear Your Words What They Mean, What They Say.

My mother is a two faced, heartless bitch. She is a liar, a drunk and a lay about and I frequently find myself having to run errands for her and having to cover for her (although not requested to or even appreciated for doing) with both my dad and siblings. Having her as a mother has left me stunted and unable to function in normal society. I don't have empathy, I struggle to understand people and their motives on even a basic level, I can't trust people, I can't look at people without being paranoid they hate me and are plotting or insulting me behind my back, I am constantly self concious and afraid, however over the years this has given me the ability to detach my mind from my own feelings and opinions, giving me a certain degree of neutrality.

I am the first born of 4 children, 3 boys and 1 girl. I am 27 years so by, more or less, all trains of thought on the subject (with the exception being my own) I am considered an adult, a man. I have a partner and we have been together for a little over 6 months, we're very happy together and are at a stage in our lives and our relationship where neither of us can see a future without the other. This has recently led us into discussing our future and, inevitably, to discuss having children. Both me and my partner want kids within the next few years and obviously with each other.

Talking to my partner about children started me thinking about my childhood and the emotionally detached way my mind works has prompted the realisation that all my life my mother has treated me differently from the others. She has been emotionally distant, unsupportive and, at times, even openly cruel and unkind, whilst all the time being, more or less, the opposite with my siblings. So much so, infact, that the elder of my 2 brothers has a fully furnished flat, a moped and a car to show for it.

You my be excused for thinking this post is self pitying and whiny, but, i asure you it is not meant to be that way. My concern is not for myself, as I am already aware of my more than ample failures and shortcomings, it is for her existing grandchildren and for any children I and the rest of my siblings have in the future. I have, on several occasions, found myself sitting with my nephew because my mother is passed out drunk while she is meant to be looking after him for the day and just last week I found myself constantly checking up on my month old niece because my mum had been drinking heavily whilst she was looking after her over night. My nieces and nephews parents don't know about these occasions and probably never will because I find it difficult to deprive my parents of their grandchildren. Particularly my dad who works extremely hard to keep the family afloat and takes great pleasure in seeing both his grandchildren, although the opportunity does not often arise. I don't want to risk my kids or any other kids from experiencing her the way I have over the years and I certainly don't want to risk children to her care while she is under the influence of alcohol. I feel that when I do finally have children that I am not going to be able to justify allowing them to stay with my parents for fear of how my own mother will be.