I shall start this blog by explaining that today I got offered a job, which I accepted. I start work tomorrow and, although, this isn't a bad thing, as I need money and to make money I must have a job, for my mental condition, it's not a good thing either. I am all too aware of what being in full time employment has done to me in the past, I get depressed, heavily depressed, I start to doubt everything and everyone, eventually I push everyone away from me and start to doubt there being any point in my continued existence.
The whole concept of spending 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, 240 days a year, for 50 years out of a 70 year life drudging for some awful company, with some equally awful people for less money than is necessary to live is highly offensive and degenerate to me. I end up sinking myself into drink and sometimes worse, there has been a few failed attempts at things, that under normal circumstances, I would find horrendous.
I've not even had my first day and already I can feel it creeping around the edges of my perceptions and nibbling at my resolves, I fear it is only a matter of time and I can't afford to lose another job. I am 27 years old and I'm starting to feel this is my last chance, I am too old to start from the bottom again, as I have done on many occasions before. If I fail this time then I fail at life and I don't know where that will take me, I am scared.
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