I'm Still Just A Broken Child Under All This Hair

I know that I often come across as a little whiny and self indulgent, on here at least, but that’s because I tend to use my blog as my emotional dumping ground. If something that I consider bad happens to me I post about it, if I’m upset about something I post about it, if I’m feeling generally shitty I post about it.

I don’t talk about these sorts of things in real life because I either don’t have anyone to talk to them about or I don’t want to burden people with my problems or I feel like my issues are trivial and I’m making a big deal over nothing. Even so there’s actually still a lot of stuff that I don’t post about on here because I’m probably just being stupid and I shouldn’t be letting it bother me.

I know that not a lot of people read my posts, but those that do are often seeing a side of me that very few other people get to see. Almost everyone that knows me has seen the overgrown child, who’s well into adulthood, that still loves video games, action figures and comic books (though I hardly ever buy either of them and it’s even rarer that I read/play with them these days). You get to see the broken child who’s still scared of things he should have grown out of years ago, who’s still struggling with understanding his emotions and never quite learned how to interact with other people.

I don’t think that the people I do somehow manage to interact with in my day to day life would understand the broken child…

I’m tired…

To Put It Plainly, I'm A Failure

I had my first panic attack in over 10 years today, I’d forgotten what they felt like. I was in a supermarket, I wasn’t coping well, and I suddenly couldn’t catch my breath. My heart started to race, it was beating so hard, it felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack and I didn’t know what to do. Thankfully my memory kicked in, I remembered what to do and I got myself under control.

My self confidence was hit really hard on Friday, there’s been a big chunk taken out of it and I didn’t really have a lot to begin with. I failed my driving practical test after nearly a year of lessons and it’s just knocked me for six.

It doesn’t sound like a big thing and probably isn’t to most people, but to me it really is. Passing my driving test should have been the culmination of many years of fighting my own stubbornness and anxiety. I was sure I was ready, I honestly thought I could do it, I’d spent weeks preparing myself and was at a point where everything felt right.

The depression has kicked back in, it’s the worst it’s been in about 15 years, my self loathing is currently through the roof and my anxiety has made a hell of a comeback.