Just A Home Cook, And Not Even That Good At It

Today I’ve cooked a roast turkey, a roast duck, a glazed ham, 3 different types of stuffing, pigs in blankets, honey roast carrots and parsnips, roast potatoes, mashed potatoes, brussels sprouts with pancetta, baked leaks and turkey gravy… I’m knackered, I don’t know how chefs do it day in and day out.

I'm Still Just A Broken Child Under All This Hair

I know that I often come across as a little whiny and self indulgent, on here at least, but that’s because I tend to use my blog as my emotional dumping ground. If something that I consider bad happens to me I post about it, if I’m upset about something I post about it, if I’m feeling generally shitty I post about it.

I don’t talk about these sorts of things in real life because I either don’t have anyone to talk to them about or I don’t want to burden people with my problems or I feel like my issues are trivial and I’m making a big deal over nothing. Even so there’s actually still a lot of stuff that I don’t post about on here because I’m probably just being stupid and I shouldn’t be letting it bother me.

I know that not a lot of people read my posts, but those that do are often seeing a side of me that very few other people get to see. Almost everyone that knows me has seen the overgrown child, who’s well into adulthood, that still loves video games, action figures and comic books (though I hardly ever buy either of them and it’s even rarer that I read/play with them these days). You get to see the broken child who’s still scared of things he should have grown out of years ago, who’s still struggling with understanding his emotions and never quite learned how to interact with other people.

I don’t think that the people I do somehow manage to interact with in my day to day life would understand the broken child…

I’m tired…

To Put It Plainly, I'm A Failure

I had my first panic attack in over 10 years today, I’d forgotten what they felt like. I was in a supermarket, I wasn’t coping well, and I suddenly couldn’t catch my breath. My heart started to race, it was beating so hard, it felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack and I didn’t know what to do. Thankfully my memory kicked in, I remembered what to do and I got myself under control.

My self confidence was hit really hard on Friday, there’s been a big chunk taken out of it and I didn’t really have a lot to begin with. I failed my driving practical test after nearly a year of lessons and it’s just knocked me for six.

It doesn’t sound like a big thing and probably isn’t to most people, but to me it really is. Passing my driving test should have been the culmination of many years of fighting my own stubbornness and anxiety. I was sure I was ready, I honestly thought I could do it, I’d spent weeks preparing myself and was at a point where everything felt right.

The depression has kicked back in, it’s the worst it’s been in about 15 years, my self loathing is currently through the roof and my anxiety has made a hell of a comeback.

Insomnia Sucks...

I went to bed just after midnight and fell asleep straight away. I’ve slept very poorly for the last few nights and I’ve been feeling pretty shitty for it. Falling asleep easily tonight, after not really sleeping at all last night, felt amazing.

Unfortunately I became aware that I was no longer asleep a while ago, I often drift in and out of wakefulness throughout the night, and have been unable to get back to sleep since. This is showing no signs of changing any time soon and I’m unlikely to get anymore sleep tonight.

Assuming that I’d maybe managed 3 or 4 hours sleep and, considering that I’ve been awake for about an hour, thinking that my alarm would probably be going off soon, I checked the time. It was 2:30 and that means I will have slept for a grand total of just over an hour tonight.

Remember When Sleep Was A Thing? I Miss Sleep

I miss the kind of sleep that's like slipping into oblivion, the kind where, for a few hours at least, you, your worries, your thoughts and your aches and pains, mental, emotional and physical, no longer exist and your entire universe shrinks down to a point that is just still, calm, comforting darkness. I miss waking up in the morning and feeling genuinely rested. I miss actually feeling comfortable lying in bed. I miss occasionally having a positive outlook.

You Just Can’t Sleep

It’s 1:30pm and so far you’ve spent the whole day feeling tired and drained. Your whole being craves the cosy comfort of your bed and the quiet oblivion of sleep, but you’re an adult, it’s only Tuesday and you’re stuck in the office until 5:30pm.

It’s later in the day, you’ve just got home from work and you’re even more tired, but you know that you’ve got things to do before you can settle in for the night. You take off your work clothes and put on a pair of shorts and an old baggy t-shirt, you exercise for 30 minutes. Once you’ve finished your set you shower, change into your pyjamas, re-heat and eat one of the meals you prepared for yourself over the weekend and go about your daily chores.

It gets dark out, it’s finally time for bed, you’ve been thinking about this moment all day, you go to loo, brush your teeth and walk back into your room. Your bed is in front of you, it looks cosy, and you are so very tired, you climb in, turn off the bedside lamp and snuggle down… BUT… you can’t switch off, your brain just won’t stop thinking, it’s not even thinking about anything important, and, to make matters worse, no matter how hard you try you just can’t get comfortable, every position you lie in causes a different part of your body to hurt.

An hour passes and you’re still awake, you’re tossing and turning, but you still can’t find a comfortable position. You try and distract yourself, you tell yourself silly little stories, you even try counting sheep but nothing is working, you’re uncomfortable and your brain is still whiring away to itself.

More time passes and you’re still awake, you finally have to admit that you just can’t sleep. You know tomorrow is going to be shit.