Getting Back To Normal… Ish

It's been nearly 3 weeks since I failed my driving test and had my first full on public panic attack in about a decade. I considered these to be 2 heavy knocks to my self confidence and they pushed me into something of a spiral. After a particularly rough week, the combination of anxiety, depression and insomnia (largely caused by the anxiety and depression) had left me emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted and I made the decision to do something about it. 

I used my remaining annual leave to break up early for the Christmas period, headed to the local chemist to get some over the counter sleeping tablets and ordered  some St. John's Wort herbal tea bags (St. John's Wort is supposed to be good for anxiety and insomnia, the tea tasted pretty rank and I'm not sure if it actually helped, but I thought it was worth a try.) from Amazon. Whilst the tea and tablets didn't really help me to sleep through the whole night, they did make it considerably easier to fall asleep in the first place and that was a step in the right direction. The combination of not being at work and sleeping a little better helped me to break the spiral and get into a better frame of mind. 

To cut a long story short, I was able to force myself to have another couple of driving lessons, rebook my practical and even manage to take advantage of a last minute cancellation to get the test in earlier than I otherwise would. Thankfully this time I passed, I don't even want to think about where I'd be mentally if I'd failed, and, although I don't have a car yet, that is one less thing for me to worry about. 

My anxiety is still pretty high, I'm still struggling to get a good night's sleep and I'm still not coping with being out in public in general, but the depression has more or less receded back to my normal manageable doldrum, I'm starting to feel more like, what I've come to accept as, myself again.

Craving That Good Weekend Oblivion

It’s Saturday morning, I’m tired, I have literally no need, or desire, to be awake and all I really want is the silent oblivion of a deep and dreamless sleep.

At 6:30 am my brain is like “Wakey, wakey, rise and shine… here’s all the shit going on in your life that’s making you anxious… enjoy” and now my heart is absolutely thumping out of my chest and there’s no chance of me getting back to sleep.

I'm Still Just A Broken Child Under All This Hair

I know that I often come across as a little whiny and self indulgent, on here at least, but that’s because I tend to use my blog as my emotional dumping ground. If something that I consider bad happens to me I post about it, if I’m upset about something I post about it, if I’m feeling generally shitty I post about it.

I don’t talk about these sorts of things in real life because I either don’t have anyone to talk to them about or I don’t want to burden people with my problems or I feel like my issues are trivial and I’m making a big deal over nothing. Even so there’s actually still a lot of stuff that I don’t post about on here because I’m probably just being stupid and I shouldn’t be letting it bother me.

I know that not a lot of people read my posts, but those that do are often seeing a side of me that very few other people get to see. Almost everyone that knows me has seen the overgrown child, who’s well into adulthood, that still loves video games, action figures and comic books (though I hardly ever buy either of them and it’s even rarer that I read/play with them these days). You get to see the broken child who’s still scared of things he should have grown out of years ago, who’s still struggling with understanding his emotions and never quite learned how to interact with other people.

I don’t think that the people I do somehow manage to interact with in my day to day life would understand the broken child…

I’m tired…

To Put It Plainly, I'm A Failure

I had my first panic attack in over 10 years today, I’d forgotten what they felt like. I was in a supermarket, I wasn’t coping well, and I suddenly couldn’t catch my breath. My heart started to race, it was beating so hard, it felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack and I didn’t know what to do. Thankfully my memory kicked in, I remembered what to do and I got myself under control.

My self confidence was hit really hard on Friday, there’s been a big chunk taken out of it and I didn’t really have a lot to begin with. I failed my driving practical test after nearly a year of lessons and it’s just knocked me for six.

It doesn’t sound like a big thing and probably isn’t to most people, but to me it really is. Passing my driving test should have been the culmination of many years of fighting my own stubbornness and anxiety. I was sure I was ready, I honestly thought I could do it, I’d spent weeks preparing myself and was at a point where everything felt right.

The depression has kicked back in, it’s the worst it’s been in about 15 years, my self loathing is currently through the roof and my anxiety has made a hell of a comeback.

Insomnia Sucks...

I went to bed just after midnight and fell asleep straight away. I’ve slept very poorly for the last few nights and I’ve been feeling pretty shitty for it. Falling asleep easily tonight, after not really sleeping at all last night, felt amazing.

Unfortunately I became aware that I was no longer asleep a while ago, I often drift in and out of wakefulness throughout the night, and have been unable to get back to sleep since. This is showing no signs of changing any time soon and I’m unlikely to get anymore sleep tonight.

Assuming that I’d maybe managed 3 or 4 hours sleep and, considering that I’ve been awake for about an hour, thinking that my alarm would probably be going off soon, I checked the time. It was 2:30 and that means I will have slept for a grand total of just over an hour tonight.

Dear Brain

Dear Brain

I know that you have a lot going on at the moment and I do genuinely appreciate everything that you do for me, but tonight could you please shut the fuck up and actually let me sleep.

Yours Sincerely

The Rest Of Me

Remember When Sleep Was A Thing? I Miss Sleep

I miss the kind of sleep that's like slipping into oblivion, the kind where, for a few hours at least, you, your worries, your thoughts and your aches and pains, mental, emotional and physical, no longer exist and your entire universe shrinks down to a point that is just still, calm, comforting darkness. I miss waking up in the morning and feeling genuinely rested. I miss actually feeling comfortable lying in bed. I miss occasionally having a positive outlook.

I Hate Being So Tired That My Eyes Ache

I hate being simultaneously so tired that my eyes ache and entirely unable to sleep, yet that seems to be the defining feature of my life. It's just the worst when you fall asleep fairly easily at night only to wake up in the early hours and just lie there trying to drift back off. You end up slowly counting down until your alarm goes off, body aching, feeling drained and defeated and knowing that you have a full day ahead of you before you get to try again.

Just concentrating on a single task becomes a genuine challenge, work is a complete nightmare, dealing with other people is a losing battle and keeping the constant nagging of depression in check seems impossible.

It does get a little better when you finally get home, at least you know that the worst part of the day is over, you're surrounded by your stuff and you can finally ditch the uniform. You daren't stop and relax though, if you do that you'll doze off, if that happens you know that you won't get anything done and to make matters worse if that does happen you know that you won't sleep tonight and you'll repeat the whole process. When you do finally get in bed, you're whole body aches and you can't get comfortable, after a while you find your comfy spot, but now your mind won't switch off and you know it's going to be a long night.

It's 6:30 am, I have to get up for work, I've already been awake for over 3 hours, I gave up trying to sleep about an hour ago, I'm tired, I'm drained, my head aches, my eyes hurt (that horrible, gritty kind of hurt that you can't blink or wash away) and I've got at least 16 hours before I'll get to try again.

You Just Can’t Sleep

It’s 1:30pm and so far you’ve spent the whole day feeling tired and drained. Your whole being craves the cosy comfort of your bed and the quiet oblivion of sleep, but you’re an adult, it’s only Tuesday and you’re stuck in the office until 5:30pm.

It’s later in the day, you’ve just got home from work and you’re even more tired, but you know that you’ve got things to do before you can settle in for the night. You take off your work clothes and put on a pair of shorts and an old baggy t-shirt, you exercise for 30 minutes. Once you’ve finished your set you shower, change into your pyjamas, re-heat and eat one of the meals you prepared for yourself over the weekend and go about your daily chores.

It gets dark out, it’s finally time for bed, you’ve been thinking about this moment all day, you go to loo, brush your teeth and walk back into your room. Your bed is in front of you, it looks cosy, and you are so very tired, you climb in, turn off the bedside lamp and snuggle down… BUT… you can’t switch off, your brain just won’t stop thinking, it’s not even thinking about anything important, and, to make matters worse, no matter how hard you try you just can’t get comfortable, every position you lie in causes a different part of your body to hurt.

An hour passes and you’re still awake, you’re tossing and turning, but you still can’t find a comfortable position. You try and distract yourself, you tell yourself silly little stories, you even try counting sheep but nothing is working, you’re uncomfortable and your brain is still whiring away to itself.

More time passes and you’re still awake, you finally have to admit that you just can’t sleep. You know tomorrow is going to be shit.

Insomnia Post #3

Sometimes, a lot of the time, I feel like my life isn’t really happening, like the whole thing is just made up. It almost feels like there’s a particularly boring, mundane and somewhat sad story, that was written by someone else entirely, that I have absolutely no knowledge or real understanding of and I’m being forced act it out in front of a mostly uninterested live studio audience.

Insomnia Post #2

How do people make friends these days? It’s been so long since I made a genuine connection with someone, I’m not sure I know how to anymore. I’m not even sure I remember how to hold a genuine conversation with someone.

Insomnia Post #1

My life feels like it’s strayed so far from the path I wanted that, not only can I not see a route from where my life currently is to where I want my life to be, I can’t even begin to fathom how a route between those two points could possibly exist.

Sometimes All I Want To Do Is Sleep

Ever since I was a teenager I’ve had fairly regular periods of Insomnia, when I get a bout I feel constantly tired, incapable of concentrating for even short amounts of time and just generally low and negative. That said I’m fairly lucky with it because it only happens once every few months and only tends to last for 4 or 5 days at a time. I’ve known people who have suffered for months and even years at a time, to the point where it’s almost completely controlled their lives. It’s hard to explain to someone, who doesn’t get insomnia on a regular basis, just how bad not being able to sleep properly can and does effect your ability to function.

Fucked Up World

Sometimes at night, when I’m struggling to sleep, I lie in bed and think. One thing I find myself dwelling on time and time again is that this generation could have been the one that saved the world, instead we’ve just maintained the status quo. We’ve let our leaders fob us off with platitudes and half measures, meanwhile climate change gets worse and our finite resources get ever closer to being used up. All we’ve really done is made the rich richer and the poor poorer, whilst sinking ever further into our own little worlds in an attempt to forget the real one we’re fucking up. It speaks volumes to me that our biggest issues are social justice issues, some privileged fool whining about other people being privileged when, in most western countries, we all have the same rights and are bound by the same laws. It seems like national and international governments actively seek to keep people involved in this drama to distract us from the larger issues like climate change, pollution and wealth disparity. The scary part for me is that it works, our young people have bought into it, they rage and shout and hold protests about these perceived injustices. They've brushed aside the real problems we face to jump on a bandwagon… we are nothing more than zombies...