Happy Birthday God

Today would have been Lemmy Kilmister’s 75th birthday. He was a legend in his own life time, the only true God of rock and an important influence on me.

Music has always had a role in my life and, as a very young man, with very few friends, and almost no social skills, Motorhead were the first band that I discovered by myself.

No matter how much my musical tastes have changed, and will continue to change in the future, Motorhead have, and will continue to, always remain my all time favourite band.

Lemmy was always a big part of that, he just wanted to play rock n roll. He lived his life and played his music, he did it his way, whether it made money or not and that is something that deserves respect.

For me he seemed to embody the spirit of being your own person and, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else, doing what you want. Growing up as the weird outsider, that perceived attitude really spoke to me.

I’m not going to say that Lemmy made me the man I am today, because that’s simply not true, but he definitely affected me. The attitude I perceived him to have inspired, and continues to inspire, me and give me pause for thought. In a world where everyone, and everything, is constantly telling you how to think and feel, the ability to think to yourself “what would I do?” is an important one and I feel like Lemmy played a major role in teaching me that.

Happy Birthday!

I'm Still Just A Broken Child Under All This Hair

I know that I often come across as a little whiny and self indulgent, on here at least, but that’s because I tend to use my blog as my emotional dumping ground. If something that I consider bad happens to me I post about it, if I’m upset about something I post about it, if I’m feeling generally shitty I post about it.

I don’t talk about these sorts of things in real life because I either don’t have anyone to talk to them about or I don’t want to burden people with my problems or I feel like my issues are trivial and I’m making a big deal over nothing. Even so there’s actually still a lot of stuff that I don’t post about on here because I’m probably just being stupid and I shouldn’t be letting it bother me.

I know that not a lot of people read my posts, but those that do are often seeing a side of me that very few other people get to see. Almost everyone that knows me has seen the overgrown child, who’s well into adulthood, that still loves video games, action figures and comic books (though I hardly ever buy either of them and it’s even rarer that I read/play with them these days). You get to see the broken child who’s still scared of things he should have grown out of years ago, who’s still struggling with understanding his emotions and never quite learned how to interact with other people.

I don’t think that the people I do somehow manage to interact with in my day to day life would understand the broken child…

I’m tired…

To Put It Plainly, I'm A Failure

I had my first panic attack in over 10 years today, I’d forgotten what they felt like. I was in a supermarket, I wasn’t coping well, and I suddenly couldn’t catch my breath. My heart started to race, it was beating so hard, it felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack and I didn’t know what to do. Thankfully my memory kicked in, I remembered what to do and I got myself under control.

My self confidence was hit really hard on Friday, there’s been a big chunk taken out of it and I didn’t really have a lot to begin with. I failed my driving practical test after nearly a year of lessons and it’s just knocked me for six.

It doesn’t sound like a big thing and probably isn’t to most people, but to me it really is. Passing my driving test should have been the culmination of many years of fighting my own stubbornness and anxiety. I was sure I was ready, I honestly thought I could do it, I’d spent weeks preparing myself and was at a point where everything felt right.

The depression has kicked back in, it’s the worst it’s been in about 15 years, my self loathing is currently through the roof and my anxiety has made a hell of a comeback.