To Put It Plainly, I'm A Failure

I had my first panic attack in over 10 years today, I’d forgotten what they felt like. I was in a supermarket, I wasn’t coping well, and I suddenly couldn’t catch my breath. My heart started to race, it was beating so hard, it felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack and I didn’t know what to do. Thankfully my memory kicked in, I remembered what to do and I got myself under control.

My self confidence was hit really hard on Friday, there’s been a big chunk taken out of it and I didn’t really have a lot to begin with. I failed my driving practical test after nearly a year of lessons and it’s just knocked me for six.

It doesn’t sound like a big thing and probably isn’t to most people, but to me it really is. Passing my driving test should have been the culmination of many years of fighting my own stubbornness and anxiety. I was sure I was ready, I honestly thought I could do it, I’d spent weeks preparing myself and was at a point where everything felt right.

The depression has kicked back in, it’s the worst it’s been in about 15 years, my self loathing is currently through the roof and my anxiety has made a hell of a comeback.

Wishing I Was Living In A Dream

I often fantasise about winning the lottery, not like an insane amount, just enough to know that I, and anyone that I might decide to share my life with, will never have to work again and still afford a reasonable life style. To be honest sometimes having these day dreams to sink back into, like a comfort blanket, are one of the few things that keep me sane

The first thing I would do is leave my job, closely followed by selling, or giving away, anything that doesn’t have some kind of emotional meaning to me, or would be impossible to replace, and putting whatever remains into storage.

Once I’d done this I would buy a used, 4 wheel drive, estate car and spend the next few days/weeks turning it into a car camper. I’d have the rear windows blacked out, or replaced entirely by solid panels, remove the back seats, level out the floor so I can install a bed, utilising footwells etc. as storage compartments, and kit it out with basic camping, hiking and general survival equipment.

I’d use my new car camper to be a modern day wanderer, travelling around the country, visiting places of interest or natural beauty and using the equipment in my car, the car it self acting as a base camp, to explore locations I may otherwise never see.

Once I’d had my fill of exploring I’d like to settle down in a small house, preferably with no immediate neighbours, and live a fairly simple life of cooking, making preserves, growing veg, consuming copious amounts of media (books, games, films etc.), learning new things (like archery) and looking after a few animals.

Friday Night

It's Friday night, it's late, it's been a long week and I think I deserve a little something to relax with.

Chicken, Pumpkin And Chickpea Curry

Rich, creamy, flavoursome and a little bit seasonal (it's currently autumn/winter). I know this is very similar to a couple of other recipes I’ve posted in the past, but I do love a curry and sometimes changing just a few little things can alter the flavour dramatically.

You will need:
1 tbsp vegetable oil (rapeseed oil)
3 medium onions, sliced
6 chicken thighs, boned and very roughly chopped
4 cloves of garlic, crushed
1 thumb sized piece of ginger, grated
3 chillies, finely chopped
2/3 tbsp curry paste*
1 small pumpkin, peeled and cut into 1 inch chunks
250ml chicken stock
1 can reduced-fat coconut milk
1 can chickpeas, drained
1 handful fresh coriander, chopped

Method:
1. Heat the vegetable oil over low/medium heat in a large saucepan with a lid.
2. Add the onion and cook for 10-15 minutes, until they begin to caramelise.
3. Turn up the heat to medium, add the chicken and continue to cook for a further 2-3 minutes, until just coloured.
4. Add the garlic, ginger and chilli and cook for another minute.
5. Stir in the curry paste and cook, stirring constantly to stop it catching, for 1 minute, until fragrant.
6. Add in the pumpkin, stock and coconut milk, stir, bring to a simmer and cook for about 10 minutes.
7. Add in the chickpeas, stir and continue to cook until the pumpkin is tender.
8. Remove from the heat, stir through the coriander and serve.

Notes:
Serve over rice, with a naan or maybe both (definitely both).

* You can easily substitute with curry powder if you don't have paste.

Nan’s Victoria Sponge

This is my Nan’s victoria sponge recipe, it's super simple, always gives decent results, nicely fills two 8 inch cake tins and is the starting point for every sponge style cake that I ever make.

For the cake you will need:
8oz (roughly 225g) caster sugar
8oz (roughly 225g) butter
8oz (roughly 225g) self raising flour
3 large eggs, beaten

For the buttercream you will need:
12oz (roughly 340g) icing sugar
6oz (roughly 160g) butter
1/4 tsp vanilla essence

6 tbsp apricot jam (approx)

Method:
1. Preheat the oven to 160°C.
2. Add the sugar and butter to a fairly large bowl and cream together until fluffy.
3. Add in the flour and fold until combined.
4. Add the egg, a little at a time, folding in until fully combined.
5. Pour the mix into 2 lined 8 inch cake tins and bake for 20-30 minutes, until golden brown and a cocktail stick comes out clean.
6. Once cooked, turn out of the tin and place on a wire rack to cool.
7. In a large bowl cream the icing sugar, butter and vanilla essence together until smooth.
8. Once the cakes are completely cool spread the jam onto one of the cakes, top with the buttercream and sandwich with the second cake on top.
9. (Optional) Sprinkle the top with a little caster or icing sugar for decoration.

Notes:
Believe it or not these cakes actually freeze really well. Once completely cooled, rather than filling, wrap the cake in cling film, place into a freezer bag and freeze for up to 6 months. My Nan would use a slightly modified, and scaled up, version of this recipe to make large batches of cupcakes, freeze them and simply get one out, before putting the kettle on, to have alongside her cup of tea. My Nan always insisted on using buttercream, NEVER fresh whipped cream, and apricot jam as the filling, anything else just wasn’t right.

Insomnia Sucks...

I went to bed just after midnight and fell asleep straight away. I’ve slept very poorly for the last few nights and I’ve been feeling pretty shitty for it. Falling asleep easily tonight, after not really sleeping at all last night, felt amazing.

Unfortunately I became aware that I was no longer asleep a while ago, I often drift in and out of wakefulness throughout the night, and have been unable to get back to sleep since. This is showing no signs of changing any time soon and I’m unlikely to get anymore sleep tonight.

Assuming that I’d maybe managed 3 or 4 hours sleep and, considering that I’ve been awake for about an hour, thinking that my alarm would probably be going off soon, I checked the time. It was 2:30 and that means I will have slept for a grand total of just over an hour tonight.

Apple And Cinnamon Sponge Cake

IT'S AUTUMN... is there a more autumnal flavour combination that apple and cinnamon? It's possible, but I'm hard pressed to think of one. This lovely cake instantly conjures up images of wool jumpers, thick socks, hot chocolate and leaves changing colours. Please note this recipe isn’t entirely mine, it’s a modified version of the recipe my Nan always used for her victoria sponges.

You will need:
100g soft brown sugar
100g caster sugar
200g butter
200g self raising flour
2 eggs, beaten
3 tsp ground cinnamon (I'm aware 3 tsp is 1 tbsp, but have you tried to get a tbsp in a supermarket jar of ground cinnamon?)
1/4 tsp ground nutmeg
1/4 tsp ground cloves
1/2 tsp ground ginger
4 - 6 apples (depending on their size), peeled, cored and chopped

Method:
1. Preheat the oven to 170°C.
2. Add the sugar and butter to a fairly large bowl and cream together until fluffy.
3. Add in the flour and fold until combined.
4. Add the egg, a little at a time, folding in until fully combined.
5. Add in the spices and fold through.
6. Add the apple and fold until fairly evenly distributed through the mix.
7. Pour the mix into a lined cake tin and bake for 40-50 minutes, until golden brown.
8. Once cooked, turn out of the tin and place on a wire rack to cool.

Notes:
Eat this as is or glaze it with a simple sugar glaze, made from a mix of milk, icing sugar and vanilla extract. When I first made this I left the apples fairly coarse, I would advise chopping them slightly more finely.

Wintery Packed Lunch

I’m heading out for the day, it’s cold, wet and windy and there’s going to be a whole bunch of us there, I decided to put up a little packed lunch of soup and a sandwich for everyone. Butternut squash soup and a honey glazed ham, baked in cider, sandwiches anyone?

Not A Waste Of Time

I might not have used my week off to actually do anything, other than eat far too much and skip exercising, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve wasted it. It’s nice to be able to switch off, or at least try to, and not have anyone expecting something from me for a few days.