Just A Bit Of An Update

I've been meaning to write something on here for a while, but every time I start I realise I just can't be bothered. The only time I really get to post these days is at night and by the time I've settled in from work and feel relaxed enough to actually write something then I feel like I'd rather spend that time either with my partner, in person, via the net or what ever or doing one of the many things that bring me pleasure. Now I'm not saying I don't enjoy writing on here, cause I clearly do, I'm just saying my music, my books, my games, my films, my friends etc. etc. seem like a better way of spending my time so blogging ends up being treated like a second class citizen of sorts.

Anyways today my lady is busy preping her lesson plans for next week, she's a teacher, and I have a new phone to play with so have discovered the joys of having, more or less, round the clock internet access and figured I could drop in an impromptu update. Now me and my lady have been talking about moving in together for months now, but, as of yet have failed to make much of an in road, it recently came to our realisation that a possible reason for this was that renting a house didn't appeal as much to us as buying our own. I dunno maybe its just me but when I think about it, it seems you pay someone for the pleasure of looking after their house for them and then when they're sick of you they kick you out, perhaps I'm just being overly cynical. So basically after months of unsuccessful searches for rental properties we've come to the decision that maybe some intense saving with a look to putting down a good size deposit on an actual house of our own is the best way forward for us. It's really good to have something to look forward too, I just hope it really works out.

Anyway thats enough for now, its Sunday afternoon, its raining and I want to just enjoy the weather for a while. It seems the older I get the more I enjoy the bleakness of wet, windy weather and grey sky's.

England Prevails

Again its been a while, I'm not good at this blogging malarkey. I've actually done a hell of a lot since I last wrote on here, I've grown older, I've been to gigs, I've drunk WAY too much, I've been on holiday, I've visited many interesting places. None of that is really what I want to talk about tonight though, tonight I want to register my disgust at the current state of things in this country, I want people to know what I think and feel about the riots and the supposed reasons behind the riots.

To start with, the 'peaceful' protest and demands of justice from the family and friends of a 'victim' of a police shooting should NEVER have been allowed to happen. This so called 'victim' was a well known gang member, a criminal who was shot during a police operation against the organisation that he belonged to. For those of you that are unaware, ordinary police in the UK do NOT carry fire arms, we have specialist armed police units that are only used in circumstances where such force is strictly necessary. The police in question knew this man to be carrying a loaded fire arm, new that he was more than prepared to use it and there's even reports that he shot and wounded an officer prior to him being shot dead.

Now I'm not great supporter of the police, in fact quite the opposite, I feel the police are a largely ineffectual force that are part of a decadent past and, in their current state, are little help in society. However, I feel that the police involved in this operation should be commended for their bravery, not just by their colleagues in the force but by everyone. As it is they're being investigated by The Independent Police Complaints Commission. They're being treated like criminals for going in to face a criminal organisation, knowing full well that these people would be armed and more than willing to use those weapons. These people who were knowingly risking THEIR OWN LIVES in order to protect those of normal, law abiding citizens, it's a mockery of everything being English has ever stood for.

Now leaving that behind and on to the riots themselves, the first riot broke out during the peaceful protest, that should never have happened, on the pretence of being part of the protesting group. In reality the rioters are nothing but thugs and gang minded individuals looking for a reason and opportunity to cause trouble and damage to other peoples property. Very few of them would have had anything to do with and probably not even any knowledge of the actual reason behind the protests. These people, and the people involved in the subsequent riots and looting up and down the country, are nothing more than the dregs of society, people that we we would, in all honesty, be much better off without. It sickens me that we as a nation could sink so low that so many people have sought to involve themselves in this, so much so that towns and cities up and down the country have been forced to shut themselves up in fear. If you know anyone involved in the riots and looting it is you duty to humanity to turn them in.

I genuinely fear what a continuation of these riots and this behaviour could herald, if it continues, at some point, the government is going to start covertly removing our rights and freedoms in order to force us into compliance. The truly scary part is that the silent majority of people, who find the riots as abhorrent as I do, are likely to welcome these measures in the name of their own safety and the safety of their loved ones and treasured possessions. This could be the first steps to a Britain not far from the comic book pages of the likes of V for Vendetta, a place where the government has total control of our lives and any deviation or difference to society's accepted norms will be stamped out with extreme prejudice in order to ensure that actions such as we are seeing right now can never happen again.

Ok rant over, remember... England Prevails...

Urgghhhh, Just Urgghhhh

Isn't it wonderful how spending 5 days a week doing something you hate drains you of any creativity. I haven't posted on here since October and its not because I've done nothing or had nothing to write about, it's because the state of mind my job puts me in has killed all drive, ambition, creativity etc. from me.

Oddly this month I've had 2 4 day weekends, yet this is the first month since Christmas that I'm not arranged to really do anything. Since Christmas I've been to London, seen a rendition of hamlet, been to 4 or 5 gigs (some not entirely planned), been on several nights out (again some not entirely planned), seen 3 stand up comedians, been to the zoo, looked at places to live and spent £2000 on a car that I can't even drive. That's just the bigger things, I've done countless other less mention worthy things, been on excursions and spent many happy weekends with my partner.

Work is really dragging me down at the moment. I'd just kind of levelled out, found a rhythm that I could cope with, when my boss lands it on me that, because my formal review was due (early last month) meaning I should have gone on a permanent contract and gone up a wage bracket, he's decided that I'm on an indefinite probation and cancelled my formal review. This has effectively both frozen me at my current rate of pay and kept me on a temporary contract. This has left me in a state where I don't actually know what's happening or even if I'm keeping my job, it literally hangs completely in the balance and is completely in his hands, a point that he's made to me on several occasions by pulling me into the office to talk about how's he's watching me. I don't even know where I'm going with this rant, I just can't keep my mind focused, urghhhh I'm going to bed

The Man, The Myth, The Legend

I've been thinking a lot recently, mainly what I've been thinking about is that I'd love to get back into the writing of stories, poems, songs etc. and playing of guitar that I used to spend much of my free time doing in my late teens, early 20's. The biggest problem with this is that I just don't know where to start, I don't know how to restart the creative processes involved in doing those things. I know it's going to be impossible to just pick up where I left off, for one thing I just don't have the idea's flowing around my head the way they did when I was writing a lot and for another I don't have the finger dexterity or finger "memory" required to play guitar anymore. I know these are generally things that come with practice and being in the right mind set, but I remember being able to do these things, I know I should still be able to do them and that makes me feel disheartened and makes it harder for me to accept that if I'm going to do write and play again then I'm going to have to learn to do it all over again. I'm not sure I have the patience to start all over again, no matter how much I want to.

FUCKKKEEEEDDDDD!!

I'm tired and drained. For some reason after work I just never really feel like spending that much time online so I just don't get round to blogging any more. Anyways I've got the house to myself for a few days and I've made plans to go to Whitby for goth weekend, which should be awesome fun.

You guys need to check out the new Kronenbourg 1664 add, it's awesome Check it out via my lovely youtube link. Just a shame it's an advert for larger, fecking womans drink that it is.

Decision

I came to the decision earlier today that I'm aiming to spend no more than a weeks wages every month from here on. This is all in an effort to save enough money to be able to get some cheap starter furniture together and afford the deposit and the first months rent etc. on a small house with my lovely lady. I want to get out of here and move into somewhere that is, essentially, my own space as soon as possible. What I really want is to be spending Christmas in my own place with my own stuff, just me and my girlfriend our first Christmas together.

ART ATTACK

Had an awesome weekend, despite the weather and feeling generally ill. Saturday night we went out to see the legend that is NEIL BUCHANAN and his, quite frankly awesome, band Marseille. I'll be honest we only went to see them because of who it was and we thought it would be worth seeing for the sake of a nostalgia trip, but it turned out that the band were amazing and Neil's guitar playing was pretty much epic. I shall definitely be on the look out for them coming round again as well as watching for the opportunity to purchase their album. I would recommend them to anyone who loves a bit of late 70's early 80's style hard rock/metal, check them out on their website.

Tell Me Why I Don't Like Mondays

I'm starting to understand the apparent hatred of Mondays that exists in the general populace as I, myself, am starting to develop it. Fortunately for me I have my two oldest and most faithful friends to keep me, more or less, sane, alcohol and fiction.

I have recently started to read Jason Bradbury's Dot.Robot and I am enjoying it very much. I have to admit when I first came across it, tossed at the back of a charity shop bookshelf, I didn't hold up much hope for it. But the cover interested me and the fact that I recognised the name of the author lead me to part with the mammoth amount of 20p, which I now consider money well spent I might add. At first it seems slightly childish, almost as if the author is the main character himself (as there is no doubt many parallels between the two) writing a fantasy about himself as a form of escapism. As you work into the book, however, it becomes more developed and takes on a stronger form and a sort of realism of it's own, generally helped by the authors understanding of current and, not to far, future gadgets and technology. I am only half way through the book myself so can not really comment any further and as always I am loath to post spoilers, I expect to finish it within the next few days so I may talk more about it then, however, I may not.

Current To Read Pile:
The Dangerous Book For Men
James May - How To Land An A330 Airbus
Arthur C Clarke - Profiles Of The Future
Arthur Connan Doyle - The Lost World
Terry Brooks - The Sword Of Shannara
Victor Canning - The Melting Man
Linda Lowery - Spell Of The Winter Wizard
Andrzej Sapkowski - The Last Wish
Max Brooks - The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection From The Living Dead

Current To Play Pile:
The Witcher Enhanced Edition
Mount and Blade: Warband
Fable III (Upon release)

Work Related Rantings

So the end of my first weekend, which has gone far too quickly, after my first full week of work and I wish I could say it was all going well. I hate it, I hate the work, I hate the machine I work with, I hate the fact they expect me to know what I'm doing without being shown, I hate the number of hours, I hate the barely minimum wage pay, I hate the building and I hate the people (ok not all of them, some of them are nice enough). I got through a bottle of bourbon this week and that was purely to make myself feel like a human again when I got in from work, a quarter bottle every night except the one night when I went out to the pub and drank much more than that.

People tell me I should try and have a more positive outlook on life, but I have trouble developing one because when I look at life in general, not just mine, and the state of the world all I can see is pain and misery and suffering. Even in the, so called, rich countries the vast majority of people spend the vast majority of their lives working for the very few people who have all the wealth and ultimately seeing nothing for it but an early grave or an old age full of pain and frailty. I don't want that to be me, I hate the thought of that being me, but I know that there's no way that I can avoid it without dying young. I'll never be one of the privileged few, I'll never have anything, I'll never amount to anything, I will die a tired, dried up old man who spent his life scrimping and saving just to exist.

Mother, I'll Tell My Children Not To Walk Your Way. I'll Tell My Children Not To Hear Your Words What They Mean, What They Say.

My mother is a two faced, heartless bitch. She is a liar, a drunk and a lay about and I frequently find myself having to run errands for her and having to cover for her (although not requested to or even appreciated for doing) with both my dad and siblings. Having her as a mother has left me stunted and unable to function in normal society. I don't have empathy, I struggle to understand people and their motives on even a basic level, I can't trust people, I can't look at people without being paranoid they hate me and are plotting or insulting me behind my back, I am constantly self concious and afraid, however over the years this has given me the ability to detach my mind from my own feelings and opinions, giving me a certain degree of neutrality.

I am the first born of 4 children, 3 boys and 1 girl. I am 27 years so by, more or less, all trains of thought on the subject (with the exception being my own) I am considered an adult, a man. I have a partner and we have been together for a little over 6 months, we're very happy together and are at a stage in our lives and our relationship where neither of us can see a future without the other. This has recently led us into discussing our future and, inevitably, to discuss having children. Both me and my partner want kids within the next few years and obviously with each other.

Talking to my partner about children started me thinking about my childhood and the emotionally detached way my mind works has prompted the realisation that all my life my mother has treated me differently from the others. She has been emotionally distant, unsupportive and, at times, even openly cruel and unkind, whilst all the time being, more or less, the opposite with my siblings. So much so, infact, that the elder of my 2 brothers has a fully furnished flat, a moped and a car to show for it.

You my be excused for thinking this post is self pitying and whiny, but, i asure you it is not meant to be that way. My concern is not for myself, as I am already aware of my more than ample failures and shortcomings, it is for her existing grandchildren and for any children I and the rest of my siblings have in the future. I have, on several occasions, found myself sitting with my nephew because my mother is passed out drunk while she is meant to be looking after him for the day and just last week I found myself constantly checking up on my month old niece because my mum had been drinking heavily whilst she was looking after her over night. My nieces and nephews parents don't know about these occasions and probably never will because I find it difficult to deprive my parents of their grandchildren. Particularly my dad who works extremely hard to keep the family afloat and takes great pleasure in seeing both his grandchildren, although the opportunity does not often arise. I don't want to risk my kids or any other kids from experiencing her the way I have over the years and I certainly don't want to risk children to her care while she is under the influence of alcohol. I feel that when I do finally have children that I am not going to be able to justify allowing them to stay with my parents for fear of how my own mother will be.