Getting Back To Normal… Ish

It's been nearly 3 weeks since I failed my driving test and had my first full on public panic attack in about a decade. I considered these to be 2 heavy knocks to my self confidence and they pushed me into something of a spiral. After a particularly rough week, the combination of anxiety, depression and insomnia (largely caused by the anxiety and depression) had left me emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted and I made the decision to do something about it. 

I used my remaining annual leave to break up early for the Christmas period, headed to the local chemist to get some over the counter sleeping tablets and ordered  some St. John's Wort herbal tea bags (St. John's Wort is supposed to be good for anxiety and insomnia, the tea tasted pretty rank and I'm not sure if it actually helped, but I thought it was worth a try.) from Amazon. Whilst the tea and tablets didn't really help me to sleep through the whole night, they did make it considerably easier to fall asleep in the first place and that was a step in the right direction. The combination of not being at work and sleeping a little better helped me to break the spiral and get into a better frame of mind. 

To cut a long story short, I was able to force myself to have another couple of driving lessons, rebook my practical and even manage to take advantage of a last minute cancellation to get the test in earlier than I otherwise would. Thankfully this time I passed, I don't even want to think about where I'd be mentally if I'd failed, and, although I don't have a car yet, that is one less thing for me to worry about. 

My anxiety is still pretty high, I'm still struggling to get a good night's sleep and I'm still not coping with being out in public in general, but the depression has more or less receded back to my normal manageable doldrum, I'm starting to feel more like, what I've come to accept as, myself again.

Craving That Good Weekend Oblivion

It’s Saturday morning, I’m tired, I have literally no need, or desire, to be awake and all I really want is the silent oblivion of a deep and dreamless sleep.

At 6:30 am my brain is like “Wakey, wakey, rise and shine… here’s all the shit going on in your life that’s making you anxious… enjoy” and now my heart is absolutely thumping out of my chest and there’s no chance of me getting back to sleep.

I Am Not Good At Mondays

Yesterday was thoroughly shitty, work was horrendously busy, every time I tried to settle in and concentrate on a job someone would bother me and it would take forever to get back on track. Basically I got nothing done and felt like, if anything, I'd set myself back a day rather than making any actual progress.

I got back last night feeling mentally and emotionally dead on my feet, all I wanted to do was collapse on my bed and let the oblivion of sleep take me away. Instead of just giving up, I sucked it up, actually managed to feed myself, got my daily chores done and even took myself out for a walk. I took myself out into some woodland near where I live to clear my head and chill out a little, I’m not sure if it really worked, but today’s a different day so all I can really do is start over and keep going.

I Hate Being So Tired That My Eyes Ache

I hate being simultaneously so tired that my eyes ache and entirely unable to sleep, yet that seems to be the defining feature of my life. It's just the worst when you fall asleep fairly easily at night only to wake up in the early hours and just lie there trying to drift back off. You end up slowly counting down until your alarm goes off, body aching, feeling drained and defeated and knowing that you have a full day ahead of you before you get to try again.

Just concentrating on a single task becomes a genuine challenge, work is a complete nightmare, dealing with other people is a losing battle and keeping the constant nagging of depression in check seems impossible.

It does get a little better when you finally get home, at least you know that the worst part of the day is over, you're surrounded by your stuff and you can finally ditch the uniform. You daren't stop and relax though, if you do that you'll doze off, if that happens you know that you won't get anything done and to make matters worse if that does happen you know that you won't sleep tonight and you'll repeat the whole process. When you do finally get in bed, you're whole body aches and you can't get comfortable, after a while you find your comfy spot, but now your mind won't switch off and you know it's going to be a long night.

It's 6:30 am, I have to get up for work, I've already been awake for over 3 hours, I gave up trying to sleep about an hour ago, I'm tired, I'm drained, my head aches, my eyes hurt (that horrible, gritty kind of hurt that you can't blink or wash away) and I've got at least 16 hours before I'll get to try again.

Moody Sky

Grey clouds and stormy sky’s are definitely my aesthetic, they're a very accurate representation of my personality. When I was younger, particularly in my late teens up to my mid twenties, I spent a lot of time, emotionally, in some dark places. I found myself self medicating with food, alcohol and other things, eventually I ended up on various prescription medications. Whilst a few I tried did even me out a little, none of them really completely agreed with me, some made me worse, most just left me feeling completely numb and, to me at least, that was worse than not taking them at all. As I was coming up to my mid twenties I came off the meds entirely and, after a while, I found myself leveling out towards the lower end of the emotional spectrum. I refer to this as the grey zone and, whilst sometimes I do slip towards the darker side and occasionally even towards the lighter side, it's basically were I exist and were my personality seems to make the most sense.

It’s been a long week…

It feels like it should be Friday… you get back from work… you take a shower… you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, it’s depressing… you’re feeling low… you’re feeling fat and ugly… you skip dinner… you go straight for the whisky… a couple of glasses in you break out your pipe and have a smoke… it’s several hours, two thirds of a bottle and a couple of pipes later… you’re just starting to feel buzzed… IT’S ONLY TUESDAY! IT’S TWO A.M.! YOU HAVE TO BE UP FOR WORK IN FOUR HOURS!… your buzz disintegrates… your week now feels about ten days longer… you suddenly realise you’ve just drank and smoked the whisky and tobacco you were saving for Friday night… your week now feels about another ten days longer… you realise it’s not payday for another eight days (28 if you count those extra days)… FUCK! SHIT! PISS!

A Life In The Day Of.....

I shall start this blog by explaining that today I got offered a job, which I accepted. I start work tomorrow and, although, this isn't a bad thing, as I need money and to make money I must have a job, for my mental condition, it's not a good thing either. I am all too aware of what being in full time employment has done to me in the past, I get depressed, heavily depressed, I start to doubt everything and everyone, eventually I push everyone away from me and start to doubt there being any point in my continued existence.

The whole concept of spending 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, 240 days a year, for 50 years out of a 70 year life drudging for some awful company, with some equally awful people for less money than is necessary to live is highly offensive and degenerate to me. I end up sinking myself into drink and sometimes worse, there has been a few failed attempts at things, that under normal circumstances, I would find horrendous.

I've not even had my first day and already I can feel it creeping around the edges of my perceptions and nibbling at my resolves, I fear it is only a matter of time and I can't afford to lose another job. I am 27 years old and I'm starting to feel this is my last chance, I am too old to start from the bottom again, as I have done on many occasions before. If I fail this time then I fail at life and I don't know where that will take me, I am scared.