When the Darkness Calls, Will You Answer?

When the darkness calls, will you answer?

The Downwards Spiral

Since my last post I've been trying to shake off the downwards spiral I've put my life in general into over the last few months. I'd been feeling really low, I was letting the negative thoughts get to me and I was getting to the stage where I wasn't connecting with the things I enjoy and care about. In order to pull myself together and get back on track I need to make positive changes to my lifestyle, I need to reconnect and I need to improve my general health and well being. Losing a bit of weight, getting myself back down to the size I was a few years ago and improving my health in general seemed like a good starting point.

For me the obvious first step was trying to cut down on my alcohol consumption, over the last few months this had steadily increased to the point where it had become an issue. It was a primary factor in my recent weight gain and was starting to become very expensive. I'm mainly a real ale and craft beer drinker, so I'd been spending as much on beer as on almost all of my other expenditures combined. I'm not going to make out like it was an epic struggle, I am not and have never been dependant on alcohol. Though with that said I was definitely using it as a sort of comfort blanket, slipping in to the gentle mellowness that comes on the edge of being drunk and using it to shut off the negative thoughts that are almost constantly running through my mind. The way I saw it the solution was fairly simple, do not buy beer, either by avoiding the temptation entirely or by going in with "do not buy beer" set at the forefront of my mind. So far this solution has been very successful, I haven't bought beer and if the beer isn't in the house then I can't drink it.

The second step is a little harder for me to face, I need to cut down on my snacking and tweak my general diet to include less junk and more healthy food. This is always particularly hard for me as I'm a bit of a foodie, eating is hugely important to me, I derive more pleasure from eating than almost anything else in my life. Combined with the fact that my general food preferences largely consist of meat and meat based products means that my day to day calorie intake tends to be fairly high. For me the easiest part of getting my eating under control was to cut down on the snacking, I've done this by initially replacing my normal unhealthy snacks with fruit and veg before slowly cutting the number of snacks down to just a couple of pieces of fruit a day. Once I'd got snacking under control I moved on to adjusting my breakfast routine, for me breakfast usually consisted of something along the lines of a ham and cheese sandwich, beans and cheese on toast or toasted bagels and chocolate spread. I needed to replace this and decided cereals would be the way to go, after testing several different cereals I came to conclusion that no added sugar or salt muesli offered the best compromise between flavour and being healthy. Now I'm starting to get my eating under control, my calorie intake is down and I'm eating more fruit and veg, it's time to introduce the next step.

The third step is to try and exercise more, now I'm never going to be the kind of guy who spends his life in gym, that is definitely not for me. Instead I decided it was time to get out and about and start walking at weekends. When I was younger I loved going camping, hiking, etc. I loved to get out into the country and just enjoy being outside, away from the hustle and bustle, away from the town centre crowds. Part of me would love to re-capture that outdoors spirit and the freedom I felt, part of me just hates being surrounded by people and loves the solitude. Either way the last few weekends I've spent heading out into the middle of nowhere and following one of the many planned walking routes. I have to say it's been a very nice experience, I've seen some beautiful countryside, some gorgeous woodlands, charming villages and wonderful wildlife.  I don't know if it's physically doing me any good, I haven't noticed any weight loss, but it's definitely lifting my mood and I'm definitely rediscovering my love of the English countryside and the great outdoors in general.

These are changes that I should really have made a long time ago and realistically, if I'm genuinely going to get my life back on track, there's a long way to go and a lot more changes that I need to make. I know I don't have the best track record with this kind of thing, I'm definitely guilty of procrastination and I nearly always take the easy way out, but I'm genuinely hoping I can keep this up and can actually start to make the changes I need to be the person I want to be.

Walking and the Great Outdoors

I still don’t know if I even remember how to live without you…

Feeling A Little Lost

For a while now I’ve been feeling increasingly disconnected, normally it’s not all that bad, I can just shut myself off and run on autopilot. I get up the same time each morning, I eat breakfast, I go to work, I do my job, I come home, I eat dinner, then at around 10pm I finally give up and go back to sleep. I keep my thoughts shut off and allow my mind to become filled with mundanities and the day to day tasks of my regular existence. The last few days have been different, I have been off work and the change in routine has allowed my walls to slip and left me feeling melancholy, listless and completely lacking in energy. The longer I’m off work the more apparent it’s becoming that I’m not coping as well as I would like.

Fathers Day

Today would have been my first Fathers Day, but things don't always go to plan. Rather than getting myself down, and being sad, I've decided I should be celebrating my Dad. I can't imagine my life without my Dad, he's always been there when I've needed him, he's always done his best to make sure we, as a family, had everything we could want and need. Even now I'm an adult he's still looking out for me. I love my Dad.

Fucked Up World

Sometimes at night, when I’m struggling to sleep, I lie in bed and think. One thing I find myself dwelling on time and time again is that this generation could have been the one that saved the world, instead we’ve just maintained the status quo. We’ve let our leaders fob us off with platitudes and half measures, meanwhile climate change gets worse and our finite resources get ever closer to being used up. All we’ve really done is made the rich richer and the poor poorer, whilst sinking ever further into our own little worlds in an attempt to forget the real one we’re fucking up. It speaks volumes to me that our biggest issues are social justice issues, some privileged fool whining about other people being privileged when, in most western countries, we all have the same rights and are bound by the same laws. It seems like national and international governments actively seek to keep people involved in this drama to distract us from the larger issues like climate change, pollution and wealth disparity. The scary part for me is that it works, our young people have bought into it, they rage and shout and hold protests about these perceived injustices. They've brushed aside the real problems we face to jump on a bandwagon… we are nothing more than zombies...

Oscar Was A Good Dog

My parents family dog died today, his name was Oscar and he was an old dog, an old friend. We rescued him over 10 years ago from a family who kept him in a shed, locked in a cage, Oscar didn't like cages. There wasn't an ounce of nastiness in him, everyone loved Oscar and Oscar loved everyone. Oscar was energetic and playful, right up until the end. He would always greet you like he hadn't seen you in weeks, happy, excited and wagging his bum like mad. I can't imagine a better pet, a more loyal companion. Oscar was a good dog.

Forget George's Marvelous Medicine…

His fish and chips are the real treat.



We arrived at George's as few minutes early, but, we were quickly seated and served by a polite and professional server who was happy to allow us a few minutes to look over the menu without seeming neglectful. We decided to share a squid ring starter with a small side of sweet potato fries, the starter arrived very quickly and was a nice size portion for a starter. Though the squid rings were ever so slightly chewy, the squid was obviously very fresh and tasted absolutely beautiful. The accompanying sweet potato fries were perfectly cooked and very well seasoned. A nice crispness to the outer coating with a soft, sweet centre that just melted in the mouth.

Our appetites suitably whetted by the starter we moved on to our main courses. I had ordered twice fried chips, battered haddock and mushy peas, Kelly ordered twice fried chips with "proper" scampi. The first thing I noticed when the mains arrived was Kelly's scampi, it really was "proper" scampi, absolutely no sign of the frozen scampi you see almost universally. These were real langoustine tails in the lightest of breadcrumb coatings and they looked and tasted amazing. Usually when we eat at a fish and chip restaurant Kelly will eat a few pieces of scampi and most of her chips, I've literally never seen her eat a full portion of scampi before, but she managed to eat all of this (With the exception of the one I stole for tasting purposes). Strangely, for me the real highlight of the meal was the chips. They we absolutely perfect, soft and fluffy in the middle without being dry or overly greasy. A beautiful crisp skin with just a hint of caramelisation on the edges giving the chips a slight sweetness, which was set off perfectly by a splash of malt vinegar and a liberal grinding of seaweed salt. The haddock was lovely a light, crisp batter full of perfectly white, moist, translucent flakes of fresh fish. No overtly fishy smells or flavours, it tasted purely of the sea as all fresh fish should. I can honestly say I have very rarely had fish and chips of this quality, only two other places have matched it and both are one the coast. The only two places that, in my experience, compete are the Magpie Café in Whitby and the Blue Peter Inn in Polperro, though the Blue peter narrowly piped both George's and the Magpie (I still love you Magpie) to the post for it's excellent selection of ales and truly incredible location.

The Demon Barber Of Fleet...... Street

Between both of us working full time and my partner spending her weekends working hard, preparing lessons and marking for the week ahead, we don't always get the opportunity to go out as much as we would like. Last weekend was one of those opportunities, I had booked us tickets to see a local operatic society performing their rendition of Sweeney Todd at Nottingham Arts Theatre. A venue that both me and my partner have a particular fondness for, partially due to it being located in a part of town we like to frequent and partially due to the venue being fairly small, giving performances there an intimacy lacking in larger venues.

Rather than just running into town just to see the show we decided to make a full day of it and headed in to Nottingham early to do a bit of shopping and hopefully have a meal out. With that in mind I booked a table at George's Great British Kitchen for lunch, a place I have wanted to try since I first learned of it's existence last year.

We started the day with a steady wander around town, visiting a few of our favourite shops on the way. Lush, Dr Martens, Fopp, Forbidden Planet and Brew Cavern just to name a few. Having purchased ourselves a few bits, bobs and treats we headed over to George's for lunch. For those of you who don't know George's it's an upscale fish and chip restaurant on Queen Street, just off the old market square in the town centre.

For me fish and chips is a genuine British institution and to find a real restaurant serving proper hand cut chips (Frozen chips at a restaurant, or even a food pub, is a HUGE no for me) with beautifully fresh, hand battered fish is an absolute treat and somewhere I need to visit. To find one in the heart of the midlands, about as far away from the sea as you can get, is even more special.

After lunch we headed off to the Notthingham Arts Theatre to catch the two o'clock performance. Having ordered the tickets well in advance, we had really good seats a few rows from the front with an excellent, central  view of the stage, in more or less the same seats as our previous two visits to the venue. The theatre itself is fairly small but very well laid out, with a small stage at the far end and seating for around 300 people set out in 3 columns.

The stage was dark except for one beam of light shining onto a pile of wooden furniture and props in the centre, into the light stepped a single man to announce the story of Sweeney Todd, the demon barber of fleet street. From the very outset the cast managed to set an eerie, atmospheric tone despite the fact that they had absolutely no backdrops and very limited space. Using a meagre supply of props and relying heavily on the casts vocal talents and the dark atmosphere of the story, they made the most of the small stage, moving the furniture and props around to create the different scenes required for the different narrative elements of the show. The casting was excellent and the actors where very believable in their roles, with standout performances by the actors playing Sweeney Todd, Mrs Lovett and Judge Turpin. Throughout the show the musical accompaniment was second to none and the vocal performances of the actors were excellent, often using harsh tones and harmonies to counter point the dark atmosphere and foreboding presence of the story. Overall a very enjoyable show, very well presented, very well performed and very deserving of the audiences applause. An experience both myself and my partner are eager to repeat.

The show itself was a little over 3 hours long, with the 20 minute interval and allowing time for people to enter and leave the venue, meant it was early evening by the time we left and decided that bedways was rightways, so best we go homeways and get a bit of spatchka.

Valentines day present from my lovely lady.

Gimme Some Motörhead

As I'm sure you're all aware Lemmy Kilmister, the founder member of the band Motörhead, died recently. Ever since I was a young boy Lemmy has been something of a hero to me, so when I heard of his death I felt a genuine sadness and a sense of loss. Motörhead were the first band I discovered for myself, they introduced me to a whole new world of music that changed me and my life forever. Motörhead, and metal in general, has given me a release I wouldn't otherwise have, a safe way of de-stressing and working out my pent up aggression. I am a better person for having the music of Motörhead in my life.

I was 12 when I first discovered Motörhead, my parents had recently given me a small CD player for my birthday and I was searching the bargain bins of local shops for any cheap CDs that appealed to me. I pulled out a cd called "The Best Of Motörhead" and was immediately struck by the image on the case, a snarling monstrous chrome pigs head with giant tusks and bright red eyes. That was the first CD I ever chose myself and paid for with my own money, I rushed home and immediately put the CD in my player and started to listen. It was a sound like I'd never heard before, it was loud and fast and heavy and aggressive. Listening to it made me feel energised, it made me want to growl, I listened to it almost exclusively for several weeks. Over time I bought more CDs and discovered more bands, I tested my personal preferences and developed my own taste. No matter what I listened to it always came back to Motörhead, they were my starting point and Lemmy was the nucleus of it all.

Memorial Service and Celebration of Ian Fraser "Lemmy" Kilmister