I Binged Today...

I binged today, it’s been the worst binge I’ve had in a long long time.

About 2 years ago, over the course of 10 months, I lost 8 stone (that’s 112lb or 51kg for anyone outside the UK). The last 2 years have been a real struggle to keep the weight off, a struggle that I’ve been slowly losing. As I relaxed my calorie count old habits re-emerged and I started to occasionally binge eat again. Since the peak of my weight loss I’ve managed to regain a around about a stone (14lb or 6.5kg) and I currently weigh in at almost exactly 17 stone (238lbs or 108kg).

Whilst this is nowhere near what I used to weigh, that being 25 stone (350lb or 159kg), it is by no means small and I’m still classified as clinically obese for a man of my height.

Unfortunately I’ve discovered that losing weight hasn’t really affected my ability to binge large quantities of food, nor has it really altered the maximum portion size that I’m able to eat. Today something in me briefly gave up and in the time it took me to regain control, a period of around 20 minutes, I ate 8 packets of Maltesers, 6 packets of Hula Hoops, 4 KitKats and 2 toasted crumpets. Considering this happened after I’d eaten my main meal, and having already consumed in the region of 1800 calories for the day, I should be feeling horribly bloated and generally ill. The problem is that so many years of constant binge eating has left my capacity to eat extremely high and because of that I barely even feel full. Had I not regained control of myself when I did I really don’t know when I would have stopped or how much I could have consumed.

Needless to say I’m extremely disappointed in myself and am currently feeling quite a lot of self loathing.

My Covid Experience

Today is the first time, since getting a positive Covid test, that I’ve physically managed to hit 20km. It took considerably longer than it normally does and I felt absolutely horrible afterwards, but I did it.

For me being ill is never really something that crosses my mind, it happens very rarely and, most of the time, when it does happen it’s very mild and I’m over it in a day or two. When Covid hit the scene I obeyed the rules and followed all the guidelines, but not because I was worried about myself, I was doing it to protect the people in my life who are vulnerable. I’m relatively young, I’ve a very robust immune system and I’m fairly healthy. I thought that if I got it I’d either be asymptomatic or it would be extremely mild and I’d bounce back in a couple of days.

Several weeks ago someone in our office tested positive for Covid, the following day we were all sent home with our computers and remote logins. The day after that I started feeling a little rough, realised I’d lost my sense of taste and smell and booked myself a test for a Friday evening. 

It’s Monday morning, I’m burning up, I ache all over, I have absolutely no energy, I hardly have the strength to move around, I feel like I want to die and I’ve just received my positive result. 48 hours passes, it’s Wednesday and, admittedly, I’m starting to get over it, I still have no sense of taste and smell, I still ache, I still feel drained, I can’t really concentrate on anything, but I’m mostly functional. Monday morning rolls around and I’m well enough to be working from home, but I still have no sense of taste and smell, I still ache, I still feel drained and I’m still finding it a little difficult to concentrate.

It’s now a few weeks later and I’m still not 100%. My sense of taste and smell is back, but it seems extremely muted and things don’t quite taste the same. I’m physically able to exercise, but I get out of breath much easier, I’m not able to do as much and I ache afterwards. I’m finding it much easier to concentrate, but I’m easily distracted and feel like I’m catching myself just staring into space more often than usual. My general drive hasn’t really returned, though I’m not entirely sure there was all that much of it to begin with.

Covid 19 isn’t a joke, it isn’t a hoax, it is very infectious and, whilst I concede that it may well be being exaggerated, it is definitely hospitalising people, it is definitely killing people and it is definitely an absolutely horrible disease to suffer with.

Now could somebody please gently massage my shoulders, they really ache...

The Downwards Spiral

Since my last post I've been trying to shake off the downwards spiral I've put my life in general into over the last few months. I'd been feeling really low, I was letting the negative thoughts get to me and I was getting to the stage where I wasn't connecting with the things I enjoy and care about. In order to pull myself together and get back on track I need to make positive changes to my lifestyle, I need to reconnect and I need to improve my general health and well being. Losing a bit of weight, getting myself back down to the size I was a few years ago and improving my health in general seemed like a good starting point.

For me the obvious first step was trying to cut down on my alcohol consumption, over the last few months this had steadily increased to the point where it had become an issue. It was a primary factor in my recent weight gain and was starting to become very expensive. I'm mainly a real ale and craft beer drinker, so I'd been spending as much on beer as on almost all of my other expenditures combined. I'm not going to make out like it was an epic struggle, I am not and have never been dependant on alcohol. Though with that said I was definitely using it as a sort of comfort blanket, slipping in to the gentle mellowness that comes on the edge of being drunk and using it to shut off the negative thoughts that are almost constantly running through my mind. The way I saw it the solution was fairly simple, do not buy beer, either by avoiding the temptation entirely or by going in with "do not buy beer" set at the forefront of my mind. So far this solution has been very successful, I haven't bought beer and if the beer isn't in the house then I can't drink it.

The second step is a little harder for me to face, I need to cut down on my snacking and tweak my general diet to include less junk and more healthy food. This is always particularly hard for me as I'm a bit of a foodie, eating is hugely important to me, I derive more pleasure from eating than almost anything else in my life. Combined with the fact that my general food preferences largely consist of meat and meat based products means that my day to day calorie intake tends to be fairly high. For me the easiest part of getting my eating under control was to cut down on the snacking, I've done this by initially replacing my normal unhealthy snacks with fruit and veg before slowly cutting the number of snacks down to just a couple of pieces of fruit a day. Once I'd got snacking under control I moved on to adjusting my breakfast routine, for me breakfast usually consisted of something along the lines of a ham and cheese sandwich, beans and cheese on toast or toasted bagels and chocolate spread. I needed to replace this and decided cereals would be the way to go, after testing several different cereals I came to conclusion that no added sugar or salt muesli offered the best compromise between flavour and being healthy. Now I'm starting to get my eating under control, my calorie intake is down and I'm eating more fruit and veg, it's time to introduce the next step.

The third step is to try and exercise more, now I'm never going to be the kind of guy who spends his life in gym, that is definitely not for me. Instead I decided it was time to get out and about and start walking at weekends. When I was younger I loved going camping, hiking, etc. I loved to get out into the country and just enjoy being outside, away from the hustle and bustle, away from the town centre crowds. Part of me would love to re-capture that outdoors spirit and the freedom I felt, part of me just hates being surrounded by people and loves the solitude. Either way the last few weekends I've spent heading out into the middle of nowhere and following one of the many planned walking routes. I have to say it's been a very nice experience, I've seen some beautiful countryside, some gorgeous woodlands, charming villages and wonderful wildlife.  I don't know if it's physically doing me any good, I haven't noticed any weight loss, but it's definitely lifting my mood and I'm definitely rediscovering my love of the English countryside and the great outdoors in general.

These are changes that I should really have made a long time ago and realistically, if I'm genuinely going to get my life back on track, there's a long way to go and a lot more changes that I need to make. I know I don't have the best track record with this kind of thing, I'm definitely guilty of procrastination and I nearly always take the easy way out, but I'm genuinely hoping I can keep this up and can actually start to make the changes I need to be the person I want to be.

Walking and the Great Outdoors