I Don’t Understand Music And I Wish I Did

I love music, I’ve loved music for as long as I can remember, it’s always been a big part of my life, however, I don’t understand music and I wish I did. Though I don’t anymore, and I’m not entirely certain I could even If I tried, in the past I’ve played a variety of instruments and learned to read sheet music, tablature etc. But it’s always been just that, reading and copying what someone else has written, I’ve never been able to produce music of my own and on the odd occasion that I’ve tried it’s always sounded horrible and completely discordant. I just don’t seem able to grasp the basic structure of music, how it fits together, what notes, chords, progressions etc. work with and complement each other. I don’t even know what it is that prevents me from understanding it, maybe I’m just not a creative person, maybe the way I think is too linear, maybe I’m too dependant on logic to grasp the analogue nature of sounds and rhythms, maybe I’m just tone death. I honestly don’t know and I probably never will.