The Midnight Rambler Rambles At Midnight

It's 1:30 in morning and I'm topping up the bath with hot water for the second time. I don't really have anything to say, but I felt like it was the right time to write something, so here I am chatting absolute shit into the void.

I do love a long, very long, soak in a hot bath, especially when I know that I have no reason to get out of bed in the morning. Candles lit, lights off, incense burning, a selection of beverages and an audiobook playing in the background, it's absolute bliss.

Today was my last day at work until the new year. With all the shit that's been going on I kind of forgot to use my holidays and if you don't use them then you lose them.

To be honest I kind of like using my days off at this time of year. Work is winding down, because of the bad weather, so I know that I won't be going back to a shit storm and it means I get a decent amount of time to enjoy the festive season at home.

I'm kind of hoping things ease up enough for me to risk visiting my parents and dropping off a few gifts for them, my siblings and my nieces. We're not a religious family, though some people I consider family lean towards the pagan side, but we all still celebrate Christmas. I know my parents will have the old family Christmas tree up in the bay window and I know that there will be a small pile of gifts sitting under it. I know my mum will still insist on cooking a huge turkey, even if it is just the two of them this year. I know that if I wanted them to they'd still set a place for me, even though it's been years since I last came home for Christmas. 

We might not see eye to eye and I don't talk to them much, I visit them even less, but I do love my parents and sometimes I even miss them. The house they live in has been the family home since I was 4 years old and that was a very long time ago. I hope it will continue to be the family home for many years to come, though I guess only time will tell.

When my previous relationship broke down I, and as much of my stuff as a car could carry, moved back in with them and, even though I no longer live there, a good chunk of my stuff is still in my old room. I know that I'll have to collect it one day, but I hope that it's by choice and not by necessity.

I kind of amass stuff, some of it potentially useful, some of it potentially collectable, some of it potentially interesting and probably most of it just tat. Because I'm never particularly sure which stuff belongs in which category I generally keep all of it, that means that I have a lot of stuff, spread over a lot of different places, and, because some of it genuinely is useful, but isn't necessarily were I need it at the time, I have quite a lot of duplicates. One day I'll get around to sorting it out and actually make use of my eBay account for a change.

I guess I'm rambling, it's now 2 in the morning, I've just finished smoking my pipe and I'm currently topping up my bath for the third time. I could probably ramble on some more, but I know most people won't read this and those that do probably got bored a while ago. I should probably sign off, finish up my drinks and make my way to bed… good night.

Dirty Old Creep

Apparently being in your mid 30’s makes you old and creepy. It really does sneak up on you, I never even noticed it happen.

To be honest I still feel like I’m mostly the same person as I was in my mid 20’s, I still have mostly the same interests, I’m still learning, I’m still evolving, my tastes are still expanding and if anything I’m actually fitter and healthier now than I was then.

The difference seems to be other people’s perceptions of me. Then, when I was hanging around in book shops, game stores, music shops, toy stores or just browsing film/comic/band merchandise, I was a harmless guy doing nerdy stuff and people largely ignored me. Now, when I’m being just as harmless and doing exactly the same thing, I’m seen as some old weirdo having a mid life crisis.

Just before all this covid malarkey kicked off, I was in a local book shop, flicking through a couple of graphic novels, and I overheard two women, that looked like they weren’t any younger than me, talking, far too loudly not to be heard, about “that big, hairy, old guy over by the comics” and how “he must be some kind of freak trying to hit on young girls”. As I was the only other person in the shop, and being a big, hairy, old guy, they were clearly talking about me. I just ignored them, made my purchase and left the store, but what they said kinda hurt and it really stuck with me. When did still having interests, and being a little childish, as an adult become a bad thing? Why does it mean that I have to have some kind of sinister motive? Can’t I just be an adult that enjoys nerdy things? And why, just because I’m a man and still enjoy those things, does it make me some kind of lecherous perve?

On the upside, being a bit older does mean that my beard is thicker and more majestic than ever, even if there is an awful lot of white hair in there.

The Storm

I’m currently lying on my bed, by candlelight, listening to the storm. This is the most thunder and lightning I’ve experienced in years, I’m probably misremembering, but growing up it seemed like we had thunderstorms most summers. I do love a good thunderstorm.

Now, to make me feel more human again, all the weather has to do is actually rain and lower the temperature by about 15 degrees.

This heat is killing me, my body can’t handle it, it’s also almost destroyed my garden, the sun has been so intense it’s scorched my herbs and shriveled my strawberries.

Bojo The Clown

After Boris Johnson’s most recent announcement, it’s looking very likely that I’ll be going back to work at some point over the next few days.

Last week Britain surpassed 30,000 deaths, meaning we have the highest death rate in Europe. Given that at the beginning of all this the government suggested 20,000 deaths would be a good number, the fact that we’re already 50% higher and our prime minister is suggesting people should be “actively encouraged” to return to work, from tomorrow, is absolutely baffling.

What’s more baffling is that we’re going back to work, but outside of work we’re still supposed to isolate from friends, family and other people outside of our household. It’s a completely ridiculous, and quite frankly backwards, policy clearly designed to protect the financial interests of the wealthy rather than the health of general population. What would make more sense is to continue with restrictions on businesses whilst easing those on people visiting family members, and potentially friends, outside of the household. It is far easier for someone to ascertain whether or not a family member is experiencing covid-like symptoms, and if so continue to isolate from them, than it is someone they work with. My thoughts are that we’re now on course for another surge in cases, a second peak and potentially a much higher cost to the economy in the long run, however, given our governments track record with sharing accurate figures on Covid-19 cases, it may not be reported this way.

Whilst ultimately I am aware that protecting our economy is important, and I do want to return to work, I only want to return to work when it is genuinely safe to do so. For me being in lockdown has been great for both my mental and physical health and, thanks to being furloughed, hasn’t even been that hard on me financially. Not having to commute has greatly decreased my outgoings and having plenty of free time has allowed me to plan my meals, put together a thorough and thought out shopping list and left me with plenty of time, and energy, to push myself to exercise on a daily basis.

Knowing that this is all about to change, and it being before I feel it is safe for it to do so, my mood is at the lowest it’s been in weeks and I can only see it getting worse from here on out.

Lockdown Life

I’ve been in lockdown for a full 3 weeks now, my company went into shutdown later than most, and for the first few days of which I was working from home. I work for a manufacturing company producing for the construction industry and that has been allowed to keep operating throughout the crisis, though after the first few days of lockdown most companies went into shut down of their own accord. I’ll have been on furlough for 3 weeks as of Friday evening and that essentially means I’ll have had a full 3 weeks of not working, I didn’t want to risk losing the money I am getting by continuing to work from home despite being furloughed, though I’m sure some people will have.

It took a few days to get used to it, but now I’m really enjoying not being at work, though I do wish I’d had slightly more notice to get a few things in so I could do a few of the odd jobs I’ve been lazily (partially due to lack of free time) putting off. So far in the past few weeks I’ve helped repair some fencing that came down in the most recent storms, I’ve cleared out and turned a bit of garden into a veg patch and set some seeds into pots to grow a little before being put out (we still get occasional morning frosts at this time of year), I’ve cooked a few bits and bobs that I particularly enjoy, I’ve set myself an exercise regime and dietary controls with the aim of increasing my physical fitness, I've listened to a lot of podcasts (thank you CheapShow, www.thecheapshow.co.uk, for being thoroughly entertaining) and I’ve played a few video games that I’ve been meaning to play for a while (though I still haven’t started replaying the Witcher 3). It has now gotten to the stage where I’m genuinely dreading life going back to normal, me having to put back on my mask (metaphorically speaking... I’m an antisocial, neurotic git and it takes a lot of work and fakery for me to be around people), returning to work and having to deal with the general shit show that is humanity (I’d like to hope that all this will make people more thoughtful of others, but I’m almost 100% certain it wont and that people will return to their normal cuntish selves very quickly).

As I’ve not really done anything of note, and because I’m boring as all hell so I don’t have anything interesting to say, I’ve been very inactive on the social media/blogging front recently and the current crisis we are all suffering through hasn’t really helped. I thought I should at least add some sort of narcissistic update as to how I’m doing and what my daily life currently entails and here it is.

Thank you for reading.

Does This Mean I'm Actually Environmentally Friendly?

I ran out of loo roll days ago and, thanks to the fucking panic buying pricks, I've not been able to buy any since, however, I did manage to pick up a couple of large packs of old school cotton dish cloths and a big bottle of concentrated 'winter spice' disinfectant... Looking on the bright side, my bum smells of cinnamon and I've finally gone reusable.

I Want To Permanently Self Isolate

I want to self isolate, not because I'm ill or even that worried about getting ill (to be honest I'm much more bothered by the idea of passing the illness on to someone more vulnerable than myself than actually being ill), I just don't want to be around people anymore.

Is Anxiety Still Anxiety When It's Rational?

I live in a perpetual state of feeling like my entire world is about to fall apart, a constant awareness of disaster looming in the periphery of my perception… I’d love to say this malady is of my own making, that it’s all a figment of my overactive imagination, but I’m almost completely certain that I’m only very slightly exaggerating things to myself, that it is in fact simply reality.

Brexit Night

It's official, the race to the bottom has now begun, my worry is that we've all underestimated just how far there is for us to fall before we hit it.

This may be me being intentionally naive, but I genuinely hope I'm wrong, that we can turn a disaster in to a success story and that Bojo the clown isn't as dishonest, or as much as a buffoon, as he appears to be.

Getting Back To Normal… Ish

It's been nearly 3 weeks since I failed my driving test and had my first full on public panic attack in about a decade. I considered these to be 2 heavy knocks to my self confidence and they pushed me into something of a spiral. After a particularly rough week, the combination of anxiety, depression and insomnia (largely caused by the anxiety and depression) had left me emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted and I made the decision to do something about it. 

I used my remaining annual leave to break up early for the Christmas period, headed to the local chemist to get some over the counter sleeping tablets and ordered  some St. John's Wort herbal tea bags (St. John's Wort is supposed to be good for anxiety and insomnia, the tea tasted pretty rank and I'm not sure if it actually helped, but I thought it was worth a try.) from Amazon. Whilst the tea and tablets didn't really help me to sleep through the whole night, they did make it considerably easier to fall asleep in the first place and that was a step in the right direction. The combination of not being at work and sleeping a little better helped me to break the spiral and get into a better frame of mind. 

To cut a long story short, I was able to force myself to have another couple of driving lessons, rebook my practical and even manage to take advantage of a last minute cancellation to get the test in earlier than I otherwise would. Thankfully this time I passed, I don't even want to think about where I'd be mentally if I'd failed, and, although I don't have a car yet, that is one less thing for me to worry about. 

My anxiety is still pretty high, I'm still struggling to get a good night's sleep and I'm still not coping with being out in public in general, but the depression has more or less receded back to my normal manageable doldrum, I'm starting to feel more like, what I've come to accept as, myself again.

Missed Opportunity

We had the opportunity to say no to dishonesty, no to bigotry, no to massive corporations avoiding taxation, no to pandering to the whims of the richest 1%.

Instead of this we chose to say no to having more say in the Brexit process, no to protecting the NHS for future generations, no to helping the most vulnerable in our society, no to a fairer distribution of taxation.

To say that I'm massively disappointed in the outcome of the general election is an understatement, to say I understand why people choose to vote the way they did would be a lie. What I do understand is that the majority of people who voted Conservative, the rich, the misguided elderly, the middle class with poorly informed views on climbing the social ladder, the outright bigoted, are the people least, or think they are, likely to be affected by their policies and that all they've really done is shown the rest of us just how little understanding they have of the world at large and just how little empathy they possess.

For those of you who voted Conservative 'to get Brexit done' or just because you're sick of hearing about it, you seem to have forgotten the most important fact. They are the party that put us in this mess to begin with, the one that kicked off the whole process with little to no understanding of what that would entail, who, after months of nothing but bickering and infighting, invoked article 50 with no deal, or even a deal in principle, in place, who to this day have no viable option for our withdrawal on the table and seem to care very little about actually doing so. You have voted for a party that is literally incapable of getting Brexit done and will allow us to free fall out of Europe with nothing to stop us but our face and the jagged, broken, rocky ground that is reality. 

We are in for years, if not decades, of economic slowdown and potentially even recession. Don't worry though whilst the Conservatives are in power they won't let this hurt the wealthy, they'll keep tax on high earners low, they'll still use tax payers money to bail out failing big businesses and continue to give the most lucrative government contracts to their already massively wealthy friends. They do have plans to fund this... They'll cut funding to the social support structures that help the most vulnerable amongst us, they'll make it even harder for the disabled to claim benefits, they'll further cut funding to police forces, fire brigades and other emergency services, they'll cut funding to our schools and education systems, they'll cut funding to and further privatise the NHS.

This may all seem like liberal scare mongering, but you only have to look around to see that this is already happening, the truth is out there to see if you're willing to look for it. I'm not even that politically minded and I can see this, how are so many people living in willful ignorance?

Why Are The General Public Such Cunts?

I live in England, we had yet another general election yesterday and somehow, despite royally fucking us over almost every time they get in power, the Conservatives won (that said Labour aren't all that much better).

England is a country where you can literally get in trouble with the police for hurting someone's feelings, where freedom of speech is basically just a myth, where the masses get offended over the most minor of things most of the time, and are very vocal about it. Although some people do disagree, most appear to be ok with it and it all seems to be for the sake of political correctness and ensuring no-one feels discriminated against (although a lot of people still are).

The question I have is given their track record, and the fact that we are somewhat of a snowflake society, how in hell are the openly racist, sexist, elitist, bigoted buffoons we currently have in government still in power and still getting voted for?

Craving That Good Weekend Oblivion

It’s Saturday morning, I’m tired, I have literally no need, or desire, to be awake and all I really want is the silent oblivion of a deep and dreamless sleep.

At 6:30 am my brain is like “Wakey, wakey, rise and shine… here’s all the shit going on in your life that’s making you anxious… enjoy” and now my heart is absolutely thumping out of my chest and there’s no chance of me getting back to sleep.

Insomnia Sucks...

I went to bed just after midnight and fell asleep straight away. I’ve slept very poorly for the last few nights and I’ve been feeling pretty shitty for it. Falling asleep easily tonight, after not really sleeping at all last night, felt amazing.

Unfortunately I became aware that I was no longer asleep a while ago, I often drift in and out of wakefulness throughout the night, and have been unable to get back to sleep since. This is showing no signs of changing any time soon and I’m unlikely to get anymore sleep tonight.

Assuming that I’d maybe managed 3 or 4 hours sleep and, considering that I’ve been awake for about an hour, thinking that my alarm would probably be going off soon, I checked the time. It was 2:30 and that means I will have slept for a grand total of just over an hour tonight.

Remember When Sleep Was A Thing? I Miss Sleep

I miss the kind of sleep that's like slipping into oblivion, the kind where, for a few hours at least, you, your worries, your thoughts and your aches and pains, mental, emotional and physical, no longer exist and your entire universe shrinks down to a point that is just still, calm, comforting darkness. I miss waking up in the morning and feeling genuinely rested. I miss actually feeling comfortable lying in bed. I miss occasionally having a positive outlook.