A Personal Update

It seems I’ve been neglecting my blogs somewhat, in my defence I’ve had a very busy few months.

I don’t often talk in too much detail about my work, I usually just moan about it or complain about, what I see as, poor decision making or lack of understanding in the companies upper management structure. I’m a low level manager heading up the estimation team, my team is the smallest in the company, normally consisting of myself, two product estimators and an estimation apprentice. The company I work for is quite fortunate in that it is part of the building industry and hasn’t really been affected by the pandemic. In all honesty the current situation has actually been beneficial to our business as it’s restricted the flow of cheaper, lower quality, alternative products, manufactured abroad, from flooding the market and has allowed us to pick up a larger market share. As product estimators this has meant my teams workload has increased, couple this with one of my estimators leaving in august, it has meant that we’ve had to pick up a lot of the extra workload. Because of my teams hard work we’ve managed to cope fairly well, though it does make our jobs very intense and often means skipping breaks and working extra time (I’m not referring to this as overtime because we don’t get paid overtime), unfortunately our success has meant that I’ve not been able to convince upper management to replace the estimator that left further intensifying my teams jobs.

What this means to me is that most nights, when I get home from work, I generally don’t have the energy to sit at my computer or laptop and write anything. It also means that I’ve not had the drive to actually try out any new recipes or think too much about reviewing anything that I’ve bought or anywhere that I’ve visited. Since my blogs are generally just my own personal thoughts, recipes or product reviews, I’ve not really written anything about anything at all.

It also means that I’ve been somewhat neglecting my diet and exercise regimes and have slipped back into some of my old habits. This has led to me putting on quite a bit of weight, has lowered my self-confidence and has led to me not feeling comfortable with sharing selfies or other images of myself.

Hopefully in the New Year I’ll be able to get in a new employee, get myself back on a more even keel, lose a little bit of the weight and find more time for myself.

I want to embrace my slightly eccentric aesthetic, be a little more wizardy (yes, wizardy is definitely a word) and learn about herbal remedies, foraging, vegetable and herb gardening and tarot reading (more because I love the artwork and the idea of interpreting a narrative than any actual belief in physic abilities or the cards power to tell the future).

Obviously I intend to write and post about my exploits, but whether I do or not remains to be seen.

I hope anyone reading this has an excellent holiday period and finds the opportunity and time to visit, or at least talk to, family and friends.

Be safe.

June 2021 - Body Image

I’m having a real body image crisis at the moment and I can’t see a way out of it.

November 2019, I was the healthiest I’ve been in my adult life, I’d dropped 8 or 9 stone in weight, was exercising most days and was fitting into a 34 inch waist jean and large t-shirt. By mid February 2020 I’d slipped back up to a 36 waist, extra large.

I’d been quite proud of my success, I didn’t want to slip further and really had to do something about it. I dropped my maximum caloric intake down from 2000 a day to 1800 and increased my workout schedule from 3 to 5 times a week, I figured I’d be back on track in 3 or 4 months.

It’s now June 2021 and I’m still in the same place I was in February 2020. 18 months of 1800 calories a day and exercising 5 days a week and I’ve lost no weight, if anything I’m looking slightly more portly than before.

I’ve tried increasing my protein by swapping out a meal for a shake, I’ve tried upping my vitamin intake with supplements, I’ve tried cutting out carbs and reducing fat, I’ve increased the amount of water I drink. I can’t decrease my caloric intake further because I lose all energy and get a pretty hefty brain fog on much lower than my current level.

I’m completely stuck, I don’t know what to do and it’s really eating away at my already virtually nonexistent self esteem. I look at myself in the mirror and see a fat tub of lard. I look worse to myself now than I did before my original weight loss. My self loathing is a constant companion.

The Midnight Rambler Rambles At Midnight

It's 1:30 in morning and I'm topping up the bath with hot water for the second time. I don't really have anything to say, but I felt like it was the right time to write something, so here I am chatting absolute shit into the void.

I do love a long, very long, soak in a hot bath, especially when I know that I have no reason to get out of bed in the morning. Candles lit, lights off, incense burning, a selection of beverages and an audiobook playing in the background, it's absolute bliss.

Today was my last day at work until the new year. With all the shit that's been going on I kind of forgot to use my holidays and if you don't use them then you lose them.

To be honest I kind of like using my days off at this time of year. Work is winding down, because of the bad weather, so I know that I won't be going back to a shit storm and it means I get a decent amount of time to enjoy the festive season at home.

I'm kind of hoping things ease up enough for me to risk visiting my parents and dropping off a few gifts for them, my siblings and my nieces. We're not a religious family, though some people I consider family lean towards the pagan side, but we all still celebrate Christmas. I know my parents will have the old family Christmas tree up in the bay window and I know that there will be a small pile of gifts sitting under it. I know my mum will still insist on cooking a huge turkey, even if it is just the two of them this year. I know that if I wanted them to they'd still set a place for me, even though it's been years since I last came home for Christmas. 

We might not see eye to eye and I don't talk to them much, I visit them even less, but I do love my parents and sometimes I even miss them. The house they live in has been the family home since I was 4 years old and that was a very long time ago. I hope it will continue to be the family home for many years to come, though I guess only time will tell.

When my previous relationship broke down I, and as much of my stuff as a car could carry, moved back in with them and, even though I no longer live there, a good chunk of my stuff is still in my old room. I know that I'll have to collect it one day, but I hope that it's by choice and not by necessity.

I kind of amass stuff, some of it potentially useful, some of it potentially collectable, some of it potentially interesting and probably most of it just tat. Because I'm never particularly sure which stuff belongs in which category I generally keep all of it, that means that I have a lot of stuff, spread over a lot of different places, and, because some of it genuinely is useful, but isn't necessarily were I need it at the time, I have quite a lot of duplicates. One day I'll get around to sorting it out and actually make use of my eBay account for a change.

I guess I'm rambling, it's now 2 in the morning, I've just finished smoking my pipe and I'm currently topping up my bath for the third time. I could probably ramble on some more, but I know most people won't read this and those that do probably got bored a while ago. I should probably sign off, finish up my drinks and make my way to bed… good night.

I Want To Permanently Self Isolate

I want to self isolate, not because I'm ill or even that worried about getting ill (to be honest I'm much more bothered by the idea of passing the illness on to someone more vulnerable than myself than actually being ill), I just don't want to be around people anymore.

I Hate Humanity

I’m getting thoroughly sick of the thoughtlessness of the human race, and I don’t exclude myself from this, as a species we are absolutely reprehensible and, if it does nothing else, the current panic buy culture just drives it home.

I went out after work on Friday to do my normal weekly shop only to find the supermarket absolutely desolated, no fresh fruit and veg, no bread, no milk, no meat, no rice, no pasta, no loo role, no soap, it was ridiculous.

I ended up going back on Saturday and it was possibly even worse, the shelves had been restocked, but it really showed just how horrible people are. There were people literally emptying the shelves faster than the unfortunate folks trying to restock could possibly keep up. People buying things in huge quantities while preventing others just getting what they needed. Blatantly ill people wandering around coughing and spluttering all over the place, making no attempt to cover their mouths.

I’m genuinely starting to hate the human race.

My Car Had Its MOT

My car had its MOT on Monday, I went into it sure it was going to fail spectacularly and was expecting a long list of expensive repairs, that I had no idea how I'd pay for. I don't have a lot of knowledge of cars and bought this one mostly on a whim, without doing any real research or checking the car over fully (not that I'd know what I was looking for if I had been more thorough).

Since buying it, and having now driven it a fair few miles, it's become apparent that the tyres are wrecked (or at least they look it to me), the brakes squeal like an army of cats simultaneously being violently skinned alive, the suspension is as rough as unexpected buggery, it sometimes makes odd clunking noises if you steer too hard in either direction and the electrics are… eccentric possibly describes it best. All of these things are checked on an MOT, all have to meet a minimum standard of condition and performance and all of these things can be very expensive to get repaired.

In an absolutely shocking plot twist… it passed and with only one advisory, the tyres will need changing in the next few months. Being obviously surprised by the pass, and still having some concerns about safety, I asked the mechanic and apparently the brakes are fine, they're not sure why they're squealing, but there's plenty of wear left in them and they're working within legal safety parameters. As for the suspension, steering and electrics, they are showing no overly obvious signs of wear, or damage, and are all working well enough not to be a safety issue.

If the mechanic is happy, and at the end of the day it's his livelihood on the line, then I'm happy... In fact I'm very happy, my car is currently safe, it's put my mind at ease somewhat and I don't have to pimp myself on a street corner to raise cash for repairs.

Is Anxiety Still Anxiety When It's Rational?

I live in a perpetual state of feeling like my entire world is about to fall apart, a constant awareness of disaster looming in the periphery of my perception… I’d love to say this malady is of my own making, that it’s all a figment of my overactive imagination, but I’m almost completely certain that I’m only very slightly exaggerating things to myself, that it is in fact simply reality.

My New (ish) Phone is Cursed!

My last phone was a first generation Moto G, I purchased it when it was a new release from phones4u. For its price point, it was well spec'd, very reliable and fairly rugged. The only reason I replaced it when I did was down to the battery, it's none removable and had come to the end of its life. Over the years I'd dropped the phone countless times, used it in very damp conditions, used it as an entertainment device and used it as a satnav when hiking and camping, nothing ever really phased it.

About 5 months ago, when the battery finally stopped holding a charge, I replaced my Moto G with the Moto G7 Power, expecting a similar level of reliability and ruggedness. My new phone is already almost completely knackered.

I'm not well paid, I understand the value of money and I like to look after what I own. The first thing I did when my new phone arrived was to install both a tempered glass screen protector and a shock resistant case, two things that served me very well on my previous model. This time around, however, it's apparently been a pointless endeavour.

As the name suggests a mobile phone is mobile and, as such, should realistically be able to withstand being used outside. I'm British, something which I'm increasingly embarrassed to admit, so when I'm outside it's inevitable that there's going to be a degree of moisture in the air. I answered a call in some fairly standard British drizzle, no real raindrops, mostly just moisture hanging in the air and just that small degree of dampness absolutely ruined the speaker. During the call the sound went from being fairly clear to heavily distorted and painfully tinny, at the time I thought this was just down to signal and didn't think too much of it until after the fact. To be honest this might not be an issue if it only affected my ringtone or the call quality, two things that I only experience occasionally, but it doesn't. My phone is an important tool in my day to day life, it's my alarm clock, my calendar, my navigation system, my word processor, my calculator, my primary source of entertainment, my main media access point and more. This essentially means that I hear sounds from the speaker dozens, potentially hundreds, of times a day, and it's causing me a real headache.

To make matters worse last weekend I dropped the phone, something I'd done to my old one hundreds of times with little to no ill effect, and, despite the protector, the screen actually shattered. To make it more annoying it's shattered underneath the screen protector, which remains fully intact.

How is it that technology and materials keep getting better, tougher and cheaper, but the things we rely on most seem to be getting worse, more fragile and more expensive? To say that I'm extremely disappointed in Motorola is an understatement.

Not The 10 Year Challenge

I keep seeing the ‘10 year challenge’ popping up in my various social media feeds, there’s 2 main reasons why I won’t be taking part.

1. I don’t have a picture of me that’s 10 years old.

2. I’ve achieved almost nothing in the last 10 years, in fact my decade has been a litany of failures.

Getting Back To Normal… Ish

It's been nearly 3 weeks since I failed my driving test and had my first full on public panic attack in about a decade. I considered these to be 2 heavy knocks to my self confidence and they pushed me into something of a spiral. After a particularly rough week, the combination of anxiety, depression and insomnia (largely caused by the anxiety and depression) had left me emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted and I made the decision to do something about it. 

I used my remaining annual leave to break up early for the Christmas period, headed to the local chemist to get some over the counter sleeping tablets and ordered  some St. John's Wort herbal tea bags (St. John's Wort is supposed to be good for anxiety and insomnia, the tea tasted pretty rank and I'm not sure if it actually helped, but I thought it was worth a try.) from Amazon. Whilst the tea and tablets didn't really help me to sleep through the whole night, they did make it considerably easier to fall asleep in the first place and that was a step in the right direction. The combination of not being at work and sleeping a little better helped me to break the spiral and get into a better frame of mind. 

To cut a long story short, I was able to force myself to have another couple of driving lessons, rebook my practical and even manage to take advantage of a last minute cancellation to get the test in earlier than I otherwise would. Thankfully this time I passed, I don't even want to think about where I'd be mentally if I'd failed, and, although I don't have a car yet, that is one less thing for me to worry about. 

My anxiety is still pretty high, I'm still struggling to get a good night's sleep and I'm still not coping with being out in public in general, but the depression has more or less receded back to my normal manageable doldrum, I'm starting to feel more like, what I've come to accept as, myself again.

Missed Opportunity

We had the opportunity to say no to dishonesty, no to bigotry, no to massive corporations avoiding taxation, no to pandering to the whims of the richest 1%.

Instead of this we chose to say no to having more say in the Brexit process, no to protecting the NHS for future generations, no to helping the most vulnerable in our society, no to a fairer distribution of taxation.

To say that I'm massively disappointed in the outcome of the general election is an understatement, to say I understand why people choose to vote the way they did would be a lie. What I do understand is that the majority of people who voted Conservative, the rich, the misguided elderly, the middle class with poorly informed views on climbing the social ladder, the outright bigoted, are the people least, or think they are, likely to be affected by their policies and that all they've really done is shown the rest of us just how little understanding they have of the world at large and just how little empathy they possess.

For those of you who voted Conservative 'to get Brexit done' or just because you're sick of hearing about it, you seem to have forgotten the most important fact. They are the party that put us in this mess to begin with, the one that kicked off the whole process with little to no understanding of what that would entail, who, after months of nothing but bickering and infighting, invoked article 50 with no deal, or even a deal in principle, in place, who to this day have no viable option for our withdrawal on the table and seem to care very little about actually doing so. You have voted for a party that is literally incapable of getting Brexit done and will allow us to free fall out of Europe with nothing to stop us but our face and the jagged, broken, rocky ground that is reality. 

We are in for years, if not decades, of economic slowdown and potentially even recession. Don't worry though whilst the Conservatives are in power they won't let this hurt the wealthy, they'll keep tax on high earners low, they'll still use tax payers money to bail out failing big businesses and continue to give the most lucrative government contracts to their already massively wealthy friends. They do have plans to fund this... They'll cut funding to the social support structures that help the most vulnerable amongst us, they'll make it even harder for the disabled to claim benefits, they'll further cut funding to police forces, fire brigades and other emergency services, they'll cut funding to our schools and education systems, they'll cut funding to and further privatise the NHS.

This may all seem like liberal scare mongering, but you only have to look around to see that this is already happening, the truth is out there to see if you're willing to look for it. I'm not even that politically minded and I can see this, how are so many people living in willful ignorance?

Why Do I Only Remember The Bad Dreams?

To be honest I stopped remembering the majority of my dreams a long time ago, some nights I’m not even entirely sure if I dreamt at all, but tonight I definitely did.

A tallish, chubby, bearded man (not me, it doesn’t look like me and there’s no sense that he represents me in the dream) puts his kids to bed, he kisses both of them on the forehead, shuts their bedroom door and heads downstairs into the kitchen and makes two mugs of cocoa with marshmallows.

His partner/girlfriend/wife calls to him quietly from the darkened living room “the films starting hurry up”. He takes a partially melted mallow from a mug and eats it before heading into the darkened room.

The film ends and they’re both sat on a sofa under a blanket. She says “OK, I’m going to bed, you coming?” And he replies “Go get yourself cozy, I’ll be up in a minute, I just want to tidy this up first.” He gestures to a coffee table in front of the sofa.

She heads up to bed, the focus switches to her (she doesn’t look like anyone I know and there’s no sense of recognition), she lays down on the bed and instantly flashes into a flashing dreamscape of horror film scenarios. She wakes up in the corner of the room, clothes torn, covered in blood and something organic looking stabbed in to her thigh.

She screams, pulls the thing out of her thigh and covers the wound with her hand. There’s panic on her face as she looks around the room, it’s covered in blood, gore and what looks like chunks of torn up meat.

She leaves the room and slams the door behind her, the landing is empty and looks entirely undisturbed. She tells herself that she was still partially asleep, the bedroom was just part of her nightmare and it calms her down. She can hear loud TV static from downstairs and thinks it’s her partner, he’s put on another film and fallen asleep on the sofa, it was the noise from his film that caused the horrible dreams.

She goes downstairs into the kitchen, it’s dark, she can hear quiet sobbing and sniffling mixed in amongst the now extremely loud static.

She turns on the light, the room has been wrecked, the table is overturned, cupboards are hanging off walls, the contents strewn across the floor and again there’s blood, gore and unrecognisable chunks of meat all over.

She’s panicking again, she’s trying to tell herself she’s still dreaming, she’ll wake up soon and everything will be OK. The sobbing is louder now, it sounds more desperate and it sounds like a child. It’s coming from behind the table, she rushes over, shoves the table aside and she’s her son. His legs have been broken, almost crushed, he’s cradling the remains of his sister, her belly has been torn open and it’s contents are spilling all over the floor.

The son screams at the site of her and tries to back further away. He’s crying harder now, “Please, we’ll be good, please, it hurts, please, no more mommy”. She steps back, looks desperately around the room and the unrecognisable chunks of meat come into sharp focus, they used to be her husband. She looks down at her hands and remembers, in violent flashes, what she’s done.

Wishing I Was Living In A Dream

I often fantasise about winning the lottery, not like an insane amount, just enough to know that I, and anyone that I might decide to share my life with, will never have to work again and still afford a reasonable life style. To be honest sometimes having these day dreams to sink back into, like a comfort blanket, are one of the few things that keep me sane

The first thing I would do is leave my job, closely followed by selling, or giving away, anything that doesn’t have some kind of emotional meaning to me, or would be impossible to replace, and putting whatever remains into storage.

Once I’d done this I would buy a used, 4 wheel drive, estate car and spend the next few days/weeks turning it into a car camper. I’d have the rear windows blacked out, or replaced entirely by solid panels, remove the back seats, level out the floor so I can install a bed, utilising footwells etc. as storage compartments, and kit it out with basic camping, hiking and general survival equipment.

I’d use my new car camper to be a modern day wanderer, travelling around the country, visiting places of interest or natural beauty and using the equipment in my car, the car it self acting as a base camp, to explore locations I may otherwise never see.

Once I’d had my fill of exploring I’d like to settle down in a small house, preferably with no immediate neighbours, and live a fairly simple life of cooking, making preserves, growing veg, consuming copious amounts of media (books, games, films etc.), learning new things (like archery) and looking after a few animals.

Not A Waste Of Time

I might not have used my week off to actually do anything, other than eat far too much and skip exercising, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve wasted it. It’s nice to be able to switch off, or at least try to, and not have anyone expecting something from me for a few days.

Saturday Baking

It’s Saturday, I’m currently sat in my poncho (because I’m stylish as fuck), watching the wind and rain, whilst waiting for a cake to bake.

Stormy Weather

As much as I love this stormy weather, with it’s moody sky, blustery winds and lashing rain, it doesn’t half make me look like a fucking tramp.

My Brain

My brain is in a constant state of flux, switching between heavily romanticising the oblivion of death and the desire to live forever. It does this seemingly at random and often in spite of my general mood at the time.

My True Form Is Finally Revealed…

Hiding Out In The Toilet

You know that you’re in for a good week when you didn’t even make it to midday on Monday before resorting to hiding out in the toilet.

Increasingly Rare

The increasingly rare, but equally terrible, not at work selfie.