Happy Birthday God

Today would have been Lemmy Kilmister’s 75th birthday. He was a legend in his own life time, the only true God of rock and an important influence on me.

Music has always had a role in my life and, as a very young man, with very few friends, and almost no social skills, Motorhead were the first band that I discovered by myself.

No matter how much my musical tastes have changed, and will continue to change in the future, Motorhead have, and will continue to, always remain my all time favourite band.

Lemmy was always a big part of that, he just wanted to play rock n roll. He lived his life and played his music, he did it his way, whether it made money or not and that is something that deserves respect.

For me he seemed to embody the spirit of being your own person and, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else, doing what you want. Growing up as the weird outsider, that perceived attitude really spoke to me.

I’m not going to say that Lemmy made me the man I am today, because that’s simply not true, but he definitely affected me. The attitude I perceived him to have inspired, and continues to inspire, me and give me pause for thought. In a world where everyone, and everything, is constantly telling you how to think and feel, the ability to think to yourself “what would I do?” is an important one and I feel like Lemmy played a major role in teaching me that.

Happy Birthday!

The Midnight Rambler Rambles At Midnight

It's 1:30 in morning and I'm topping up the bath with hot water for the second time. I don't really have anything to say, but I felt like it was the right time to write something, so here I am chatting absolute shit into the void.

I do love a long, very long, soak in a hot bath, especially when I know that I have no reason to get out of bed in the morning. Candles lit, lights off, incense burning, a selection of beverages and an audiobook playing in the background, it's absolute bliss.

Today was my last day at work until the new year. With all the shit that's been going on I kind of forgot to use my holidays and if you don't use them then you lose them.

To be honest I kind of like using my days off at this time of year. Work is winding down, because of the bad weather, so I know that I won't be going back to a shit storm and it means I get a decent amount of time to enjoy the festive season at home.

I'm kind of hoping things ease up enough for me to risk visiting my parents and dropping off a few gifts for them, my siblings and my nieces. We're not a religious family, though some people I consider family lean towards the pagan side, but we all still celebrate Christmas. I know my parents will have the old family Christmas tree up in the bay window and I know that there will be a small pile of gifts sitting under it. I know my mum will still insist on cooking a huge turkey, even if it is just the two of them this year. I know that if I wanted them to they'd still set a place for me, even though it's been years since I last came home for Christmas. 

We might not see eye to eye and I don't talk to them much, I visit them even less, but I do love my parents and sometimes I even miss them. The house they live in has been the family home since I was 4 years old and that was a very long time ago. I hope it will continue to be the family home for many years to come, though I guess only time will tell.

When my previous relationship broke down I, and as much of my stuff as a car could carry, moved back in with them and, even though I no longer live there, a good chunk of my stuff is still in my old room. I know that I'll have to collect it one day, but I hope that it's by choice and not by necessity.

I kind of amass stuff, some of it potentially useful, some of it potentially collectable, some of it potentially interesting and probably most of it just tat. Because I'm never particularly sure which stuff belongs in which category I generally keep all of it, that means that I have a lot of stuff, spread over a lot of different places, and, because some of it genuinely is useful, but isn't necessarily were I need it at the time, I have quite a lot of duplicates. One day I'll get around to sorting it out and actually make use of my eBay account for a change.

I guess I'm rambling, it's now 2 in the morning, I've just finished smoking my pipe and I'm currently topping up my bath for the third time. I could probably ramble on some more, but I know most people won't read this and those that do probably got bored a while ago. I should probably sign off, finish up my drinks and make my way to bed… good night.

Dirty Old Creep

Apparently being in your mid 30’s makes you old and creepy. It really does sneak up on you, I never even noticed it happen.

To be honest I still feel like I’m mostly the same person as I was in my mid 20’s, I still have mostly the same interests, I’m still learning, I’m still evolving, my tastes are still expanding and if anything I’m actually fitter and healthier now than I was then.

The difference seems to be other people’s perceptions of me. Then, when I was hanging around in book shops, game stores, music shops, toy stores or just browsing film/comic/band merchandise, I was a harmless guy doing nerdy stuff and people largely ignored me. Now, when I’m being just as harmless and doing exactly the same thing, I’m seen as some old weirdo having a mid life crisis.

Just before all this covid malarkey kicked off, I was in a local book shop, flicking through a couple of graphic novels, and I overheard two women, that looked like they weren’t any younger than me, talking, far too loudly not to be heard, about “that big, hairy, old guy over by the comics” and how “he must be some kind of freak trying to hit on young girls”. As I was the only other person in the shop, and being a big, hairy, old guy, they were clearly talking about me. I just ignored them, made my purchase and left the store, but what they said kinda hurt and it really stuck with me. When did still having interests, and being a little childish, as an adult become a bad thing? Why does it mean that I have to have some kind of sinister motive? Can’t I just be an adult that enjoys nerdy things? And why, just because I’m a man and still enjoy those things, does it make me some kind of lecherous perve?

On the upside, being a bit older does mean that my beard is thicker and more majestic than ever, even if there is an awful lot of white hair in there.

My Covid Experience

Today is the first time, since getting a positive Covid test, that I’ve physically managed to hit 20km. It took considerably longer than it normally does and I felt absolutely horrible afterwards, but I did it.

For me being ill is never really something that crosses my mind, it happens very rarely and, most of the time, when it does happen it’s very mild and I’m over it in a day or two. When Covid hit the scene I obeyed the rules and followed all the guidelines, but not because I was worried about myself, I was doing it to protect the people in my life who are vulnerable. I’m relatively young, I’ve a very robust immune system and I’m fairly healthy. I thought that if I got it I’d either be asymptomatic or it would be extremely mild and I’d bounce back in a couple of days.

Several weeks ago someone in our office tested positive for Covid, the following day we were all sent home with our computers and remote logins. The day after that I started feeling a little rough, realised I’d lost my sense of taste and smell and booked myself a test for a Friday evening. 

It’s Monday morning, I’m burning up, I ache all over, I have absolutely no energy, I hardly have the strength to move around, I feel like I want to die and I’ve just received my positive result. 48 hours passes, it’s Wednesday and, admittedly, I’m starting to get over it, I still have no sense of taste and smell, I still ache, I still feel drained, I can’t really concentrate on anything, but I’m mostly functional. Monday morning rolls around and I’m well enough to be working from home, but I still have no sense of taste and smell, I still ache, I still feel drained and I’m still finding it a little difficult to concentrate.

It’s now a few weeks later and I’m still not 100%. My sense of taste and smell is back, but it seems extremely muted and things don’t quite taste the same. I’m physically able to exercise, but I get out of breath much easier, I’m not able to do as much and I ache afterwards. I’m finding it much easier to concentrate, but I’m easily distracted and feel like I’m catching myself just staring into space more often than usual. My general drive hasn’t really returned, though I’m not entirely sure there was all that much of it to begin with.

Covid 19 isn’t a joke, it isn’t a hoax, it is very infectious and, whilst I concede that it may well be being exaggerated, it is definitely hospitalising people, it is definitely killing people and it is definitely an absolutely horrible disease to suffer with.

Now could somebody please gently massage my shoulders, they really ache...

A Fever Dream?

Did I really witness Nigel Farage watching clear cut video evidence of Donald Trump suggesting people look into injecting disinfectant, then have him try to deny it and then call someone fake news on live television... or did I just fever dream that whole sequence? It seems so surreal that that's kind of what it feels like.

Politics makes me so angry at the moment. I had to turn off the tele and put the kettle on, if I hadn’t I felt like I might have lashed out in some stupid way.

A nice pot of tea, and 15 minutes of light exercise, and I’m feeling a lot better, so it’s off to the "home office" to get a day's work done.

Review: Yorkshire Tea Toast & Jam Brew

As some of you may know I have a bit of a minor fascination with tea and, to a slightly lesser degree, coffee and to that end will occasionally look out for new products to try. As some of you may also know I'm quite a big, literally and figuratively speaking, fan of the traditional tea and coffee accompaniments, cakes, biscuits, crumpets, toast etc. Bearing both of these facts in mind, when Yorkshire tea announced their new toast and jam brew, and given how pleasant their malty biscuit brew is, my interest was somewhat peaked.

So after a bit of research, in which I discovered this product was going to be a timed exclusive to Asda (who knew tea and video games had so much in common), and the resulting several visits to multiple branches of Asda, I managed to get my hands on a box of these bad boys.

I've now been drinking this fairly regularly for the last couple of days and in my opinion, whilst it is a fairly pleasant brew that offers something slightly different, it's not quite as nice or as accurately flavoured as I'd hoped it would be.

After trying the malty biscuit brew a while ago and being extremely impressed by how it tasted almost exactly like a freshly dunked malted milk, without compromising on the tea flavour, I had fairly elevated expectations. I was hoping for a big fruity hit, with a nice hint of sweetness and a slightly smokey, bready aftertaste. What I got instead was a slightly lighter tea taste with a gentle hint of background fruitiness, a pleasant, relaxing, afternoon brew that would go down well with a couple of crumpets, but certainly not the big flavoured breakfast brew that I was hoping for.

Whilst this won't be something that I go out of my way to buy again, if I happen to stumble on it on offer or someone else offers me a mug of it, I certainly wouldn't turn it down.

Cheeseburger Pasta Bake

When I call this Cheeseburger Pasta Bake I’m not joking, the simplicity, the flavours, the carb hit from the pasta, come together nicely and really do conjure up those old school cheeseburger vibes. This pasta bake is a super simple, super comforting, tasty, and surprisingly healthy, nostalgia hit of a dish. It can be knocked up fairly quickly, with absolutely no nonsense, and stored in the fridge, or freezer, ready to be popped in the oven at a moment's notice.

You will need:
400g dried penne (or other pasta shape)
1 tbsp vegetable oil
2 large onions, roughly chopped
500g lean beef mince
125g lean bacon, cut into 1cm chunks
2 cans peeled plum tomatoes
120g extra mature Cheddar, coarsely grated
6-8 pickled gherkins, halved and sliced
Good sized pinch of salt and pepper

Method:
1. Preheat the oven to 150°C (130°C fan).
2. Add the pasta to boiling, salted, water, cook for 2 minutes less than the recommended cooking time, drain and set aside.
3. Pour the oil into a fairly large, oven safe, low sided saucepan and allow to heat over a medium/low heat.
4. Add the onions to tha pan, stir to coat in the oil, cover with a lid and cook for about 10 minutes, until thoroughly softened.
5. Remove the lid, turn the heat up to high, add the beef and bacon and fry for about 5 minutes, until browned.
6. Remove from the heat, add in the pasta and stir through.
7. Add in the tomatoes, half the cheese, some of the gherkins and the salt pepper. Gently break the tomatoes with the back of the spoon and stir everything through.
8. Sprinkle over half the remaining cheese and bake in the oven for 20 - 25 minutes.
10. Remove from the oven, divide between 4 bowls, sprinkle over the remaining cheese and gherkins then serve.

Notes:
If you’re not a fan of gherkins then simply don’t add them, they’re there simply because I feel like they give the dish a more authentic burgery taste.

If you want to really ramp up the burgeryness, serve with a simple side salad of iceberg lettuce, cucumber, tomato and thousand island dressing.

August Bank Holiday Weekend

It’s been a few weeks since I posted anything on here and that’s partially due to my own laziness and partially down to being back at work after a brief period of being furloughed, I managed about a month before I was asked back into the office, and clearing the backlog that being away from the office, for even the briefest time, creates.

The weekend just past was the last bank holiday before Christmas, and the only time off I currently have between now and then, and I spent the long weekend taking in some pretty spectacular views up in the hills of deepest, darkest Shropshire.

It's been a while so it was definitely good to get out and hiking again, though I did manage to hurt my back and mildly sunburn my face.

I stayed in a lovely little shepherds hut, with a nice log burning stove, a comfy bed, a composting toilet and nothing or no-one else, other than the farm it is situated on, for miles around.

My car had a hell of a work out getting there, it's a little, low slung, 1.4 litre hatchback. It isn't really designed for steep hills and rough roads, but it managed admirably and, other than a few extra scratches, doesn't seem any worse for wear.

It's Tuesday now and I'm back at work, which is a hell of a come down, but at least I have some nice photos, and a sore face, to distract me.

The Storm

I’m currently lying on my bed, by candlelight, listening to the storm. This is the most thunder and lightning I’ve experienced in years, I’m probably misremembering, but growing up it seemed like we had thunderstorms most summers. I do love a good thunderstorm.

Now, to make me feel more human again, all the weather has to do is actually rain and lower the temperature by about 15 degrees.

This heat is killing me, my body can’t handle it, it’s also almost destroyed my garden, the sun has been so intense it’s scorched my herbs and shriveled my strawberries.

Reduced Fat Mince Beef Stroganoff

I love a beef stroganoff, but it's an incredibly rich dish and doesn't exactly make for the most healthy of meals. This is my attempt at making something that is both healthy(ish) and scratches that comfort food itch.

You will need:
1 calorie spray
500g 5% fat minced beef
1 large onion, thinly sliced
2 cloves of garlic, crushed
300g mushrooms, sliced
1 tsp worcestershire sauce
2 tsp english mustard
½ tsp black pepper, ground
200ml beef stock
6 tbsp reduced fat creme fraiche
Salt to taste
Fresh parsley, chopped

Method:
1. Put a high sided pan over a medium/high heat to warm.
2. Spray in a few squirts of 1 calorie spray and add the minced beef. Once browned, tip the beef into a bowl and set aside.
3. Add the onions, to the same pan, and cook for about 5 minutes, until translucent.
4. Add the garlic and continue to cook until fragrant.
5. Add the mushrooms and cook until softened.
6. Add the worcestershire sauce, mustard and pepper, stir through until incorporated.
7. Add the beef stock, bring to the boil, reduce the temperature and simmer for 10 minutes, until reduced slightly.
8. Add the browned beef and creme fraiche and stir through.
9. Check for seasoning and add salt, if needed.
10. Serve over rice, pasta or mash and sprinkle with parsley to garnish.

Notes:
Stroganoff is a very widespread dish, with dozens of different variations, so adept it to suit your own taste. I often add a couple of spoons of paprika, mostly because I love paprika.

Apple And Cinnamon Cupcakes

The flavour combination of apple and cinnamon is a firm favourite of mine, also, I really love cake. This recipe combines apples, cinnamon and cake in a glorious amalgamation of heavenly delight.

You will need:
100g low fat spread
60g Half Spoon
2 Eggs, beaten
1 tbsp fat free creme fraiche
100g self raising flour
½ tsp ground cinnamon
¼ tsp ground nutmeg
2 apples, peeled, cored, chopped and lightly tossed in plain flour

Method:
1. Pre-heat the oven to 160°C.
2. Add the spread and half spoon to a medium sized mixing bowl and cream together until light and fluffy.
3. Add about ¼ of the beaten egg and stir until fully incorporated. Repeat with the remaining egg, until it’s all added.
4. Stir through the creme fraiche.
5. Add half the flour, cinnamon and nutmeg, fold into the mix, until fully incorporated, and repeat with the remaining flour.
6. Add in the apples and fold through the mix.
7. Using a spoon, add the mix to paper cupcake cases, filling to about ⅔ up the side of the case (the mix should make about 9, depending on the size of the cases being used).
8. Put in the oven and bake for about 20 minutes, until a skewer comes out of the cake clean.
9. Remove from the tray immediately and place on a wire rack to cool.

Notes:
I like these on their own, but they’re also great with a super simple cream cheese frosting.

Download 2020

I should have been spending this weekend in the middle of a field in Donington, potentially doing irreparable damage to my hearing and body in general, but instead I'll just have to make do with a slice of cake, a cup of coffee and a smoke in the back garden.

Removing The 'Shield' From The Vulnerable

In the UK we’ve been steadily releasing the lock down for a few weeks, despite our scientists advising it’s too early, to be fair it had to happen at some point and our conservative government was always going to put money above human lives. As part of the pandemic response we have a category of people referred to as ‘shielded’, these are vulnerable people, the elderly and people with underlying health conditions. As a group they’ve been locked down the longest and have had the strongest restrictions imposed on them. As of today they’re allowed out for the first time in weeks, and it really shows. I went out first thing this morning for a few essentials, the supermarket was full of very confused looking very elderly people. They were milling around like zombies, not following the social distancing rules, ignoring other people's protests and, for some insane reason, none of the staff were doing a thing about it. 

The really crazy thing is that, when they were first restricted, there was an uproar about it being unfair to those 'shielded’ people who are still capable. The fact that now we’ve eased restrictions on them and had an influx of vulnerable people not following the guidelines, either because they don’t understand them, whether that’s willful or not, or because they are just refusing to, shows exactly why it was necessary. A line had to be drawn somewhere and protecting the most vulnerable, even though our government completely failed, and is still failing, to do so, should always be a high priority. It was inevitable that people just falling to either side of that line were going to feel hard done to, but it was a necessity and, having several vulnerable people in my family who would almost certainly not have survived catching the virus, I'm glad that it happened.

Chicken And Vegetable Pasta One Pot

A super simple, rustic, budget friendly and flavoursome pasta dish. The simplicity of this recipe makes it a good midweek meal, add a little extra fluid, and a bit of spice, and it makes an excellent winter warmer.

You will need:

400g fusilli/penne or similar pasta

1 tbs vegetable oil

1 large onion

2 medium carrots, roughly chopped

2 sticks celery, roughly chopped

3 cloves garlic, crushed

6 skinless, boneless chicken thighs, roughly chopped

1 tin of tomatoes

A small handful of fresh sage, finely chopped

160g good quality cheese, grated

100g spinach

Pinch of salt and pepper

Method:

1. Cook the pasta in boiling water for 1 to 2 minutes less than the recommended cooking time.

2. Drain the pasta, retaining some of the cooking liquid, in case you need to thin the sauce later, and set aside.

3. Heat the oil in a large frying pan with a lid, add the onions and cook over a medium heat for 5 minutes.

4. Add the carrots, celery, garlic and chicken to the pan, cook for a further 5 minutes, stirring regularly.

5. Add the tomatoes and sage, stir thoroughly, bring the boil and simmer for 5 to 10 minutes.

6. Add the pasta, spinach and cheese, stir until the spinach wilts, season to taste, put the lid on the pan, remove from the heat and allow it to stand for about 5 minutes.

Notes:

I wrote this recipe whilst locked down, due to covid-19, so my access to fresh veg etc. was slightly limited. To really ramp up the veg content, and give it a little more flavour, add a green pepper and a head of broccoli. 

I Am Definitely Not Green Fingered

I’m home, sat in my scruffs and just about comfortable, though thoroughly disappointed.

I’ve just checked my garden and something certainly liked my courgette and pumpkin seedlings. They were getting fairly sizable just two days ago, now there’s nothing but a few straggly, yellowing leaves left. Ten plants gone in 48 hours, my netting wasn’t as effective as I’d hoped.

This sad image of a half ruined veg patch just about sums up my feelings in general.

Lockdown Life 2

My plan for yesterdays post was an update on some of the stuff I've been getting up to in lockdown. I had a few pictures that I wanted to post, a message about how we should all use the free time to work on our own mental wellbeing and a brief overview of what I've been doing to try and improve my physical fitness. Unfortunately I watched last nights announcements prior to posting this and it entirely ruined my frame of mind.

Bojo The Clown

After Boris Johnson’s most recent announcement, it’s looking very likely that I’ll be going back to work at some point over the next few days.

Last week Britain surpassed 30,000 deaths, meaning we have the highest death rate in Europe. Given that at the beginning of all this the government suggested 20,000 deaths would be a good number, the fact that we’re already 50% higher and our prime minister is suggesting people should be “actively encouraged” to return to work, from tomorrow, is absolutely baffling.

What’s more baffling is that we’re going back to work, but outside of work we’re still supposed to isolate from friends, family and other people outside of our household. It’s a completely ridiculous, and quite frankly backwards, policy clearly designed to protect the financial interests of the wealthy rather than the health of general population. What would make more sense is to continue with restrictions on businesses whilst easing those on people visiting family members, and potentially friends, outside of the household. It is far easier for someone to ascertain whether or not a family member is experiencing covid-like symptoms, and if so continue to isolate from them, than it is someone they work with. My thoughts are that we’re now on course for another surge in cases, a second peak and potentially a much higher cost to the economy in the long run, however, given our governments track record with sharing accurate figures on Covid-19 cases, it may not be reported this way.

Whilst ultimately I am aware that protecting our economy is important, and I do want to return to work, I only want to return to work when it is genuinely safe to do so. For me being in lockdown has been great for both my mental and physical health and, thanks to being furloughed, hasn’t even been that hard on me financially. Not having to commute has greatly decreased my outgoings and having plenty of free time has allowed me to plan my meals, put together a thorough and thought out shopping list and left me with plenty of time, and energy, to push myself to exercise on a daily basis.

Knowing that this is all about to change, and it being before I feel it is safe for it to do so, my mood is at the lowest it’s been in weeks and I can only see it getting worse from here on out.

Lockdown Gardening

I've spent the last couple of days working on my vegetable patch and it's starting to look pretty good.

It just used to be waste ground, I wanted to clear it, install a couple of raised beds and plant them up with a few choice vegetables. The current lockdown situation has made getting hold of what I needed to do this a little difficult.

Instead I decided to clear it, install some cheap plastic edging, dig in some compost and plant directly into the soil. Just turning over this small patch of dirt I've pulled out a fairly sizable pile of rubble and old root matter, I'm glad I didn't decide to make it larger this year.

Next year I will definitely be building a decent sized raised bed in the centre of the patch and back filling it with ordered in top soil.

Life Returns

I love autumn and winter, they're definitely my favourite times of year, but it's always nice to see a little life come back into the herb garden and garden in general.

Lockdown Life

I’ve been in lockdown for a full 3 weeks now, my company went into shutdown later than most, and for the first few days of which I was working from home. I work for a manufacturing company producing for the construction industry and that has been allowed to keep operating throughout the crisis, though after the first few days of lockdown most companies went into shut down of their own accord. I’ll have been on furlough for 3 weeks as of Friday evening and that essentially means I’ll have had a full 3 weeks of not working, I didn’t want to risk losing the money I am getting by continuing to work from home despite being furloughed, though I’m sure some people will have.

It took a few days to get used to it, but now I’m really enjoying not being at work, though I do wish I’d had slightly more notice to get a few things in so I could do a few of the odd jobs I’ve been lazily (partially due to lack of free time) putting off. So far in the past few weeks I’ve helped repair some fencing that came down in the most recent storms, I’ve cleared out and turned a bit of garden into a veg patch and set some seeds into pots to grow a little before being put out (we still get occasional morning frosts at this time of year), I’ve cooked a few bits and bobs that I particularly enjoy, I’ve set myself an exercise regime and dietary controls with the aim of increasing my physical fitness, I've listened to a lot of podcasts (thank you CheapShow, www.thecheapshow.co.uk, for being thoroughly entertaining) and I’ve played a few video games that I’ve been meaning to play for a while (though I still haven’t started replaying the Witcher 3). It has now gotten to the stage where I’m genuinely dreading life going back to normal, me having to put back on my mask (metaphorically speaking... I’m an antisocial, neurotic git and it takes a lot of work and fakery for me to be around people), returning to work and having to deal with the general shit show that is humanity (I’d like to hope that all this will make people more thoughtful of others, but I’m almost 100% certain it wont and that people will return to their normal cuntish selves very quickly).

As I’ve not really done anything of note, and because I’m boring as all hell so I don’t have anything interesting to say, I’ve been very inactive on the social media/blogging front recently and the current crisis we are all suffering through hasn’t really helped. I thought I should at least add some sort of narcissistic update as to how I’m doing and what my daily life currently entails and here it is.

Thank you for reading.

Homemade Gnocchi

Homemade gnocchi (using left over mashed potato), meatballs (made from sausage meat leftover from Christmas), cheese and a rich tomato sauce.

Review: Sandalwood and Orange Beard Oil

I don’t often review products on here, but I received a new addition to my beard care regime on Monday and felt like I needed to share something none current affairs related.

This cute little bottle of sandalwood and orange beard oil came courtesy of www.beeswaxscotland.com, I’ve spent the last few days getting to grips with it and I really like it.

It came with a little leaflet telling you about the product it self and giving you advise on proper usage. Ideal if you’re a beard oil newbie and a nice personal touch even if you’re not.

Straight off the bat, you open the bottle and you get a slightly woody, citrus fragrance, reminiscent of earl grey tea, which happens to be a personal favourite of mine. The oil itself is slightly thinner than I’m used to, but that’s not really a bad thing, it actually means that a little goes a long way. 5 or 6 drops was ample for a trimmed beard like mine, 9 or 10 would be great for something a little more bushy. It’s not a particularly greasy oil and is absorbed nicely into the beard, softening it almost immediately. The fragrance lasts pretty well, I found myself getting the occasional citrus waft well into the afternoon, though it is more subtle than the initial huff suggested. After 3 days of use my beard is noticeably softer than it was before and my comb passes through with relative ease.

All said and done I’m happy with my new addition and am looking forward to getting plenty more use out of it.

Does This Mean I'm Actually Environmentally Friendly?

I ran out of loo roll days ago and, thanks to the fucking panic buying pricks, I've not been able to buy any since, however, I did manage to pick up a couple of large packs of old school cotton dish cloths and a big bottle of concentrated 'winter spice' disinfectant... Looking on the bright side, my bum smells of cinnamon and I've finally gone reusable.

I Want To Permanently Self Isolate

I want to self isolate, not because I'm ill or even that worried about getting ill (to be honest I'm much more bothered by the idea of passing the illness on to someone more vulnerable than myself than actually being ill), I just don't want to be around people anymore.

I Hate Humanity

I’m getting thoroughly sick of the thoughtlessness of the human race, and I don’t exclude myself from this, as a species we are absolutely reprehensible and, if it does nothing else, the current panic buy culture just drives it home.

I went out after work on Friday to do my normal weekly shop only to find the supermarket absolutely desolated, no fresh fruit and veg, no bread, no milk, no meat, no rice, no pasta, no loo role, no soap, it was ridiculous.

I ended up going back on Saturday and it was possibly even worse, the shelves had been restocked, but it really showed just how horrible people are. There were people literally emptying the shelves faster than the unfortunate folks trying to restock could possibly keep up. People buying things in huge quantities while preventing others just getting what they needed. Blatantly ill people wandering around coughing and spluttering all over the place, making no attempt to cover their mouths.

I’m genuinely starting to hate the human race.

My Car Had Its MOT

My car had its MOT on Monday, I went into it sure it was going to fail spectacularly and was expecting a long list of expensive repairs, that I had no idea how I'd pay for. I don't have a lot of knowledge of cars and bought this one mostly on a whim, without doing any real research or checking the car over fully (not that I'd know what I was looking for if I had been more thorough).

Since buying it, and having now driven it a fair few miles, it's become apparent that the tyres are wrecked (or at least they look it to me), the brakes squeal like an army of cats simultaneously being violently skinned alive, the suspension is as rough as unexpected buggery, it sometimes makes odd clunking noises if you steer too hard in either direction and the electrics are… eccentric possibly describes it best. All of these things are checked on an MOT, all have to meet a minimum standard of condition and performance and all of these things can be very expensive to get repaired.

In an absolutely shocking plot twist… it passed and with only one advisory, the tyres will need changing in the next few months. Being obviously surprised by the pass, and still having some concerns about safety, I asked the mechanic and apparently the brakes are fine, they're not sure why they're squealing, but there's plenty of wear left in them and they're working within legal safety parameters. As for the suspension, steering and electrics, they are showing no overly obvious signs of wear, or damage, and are all working well enough not to be a safety issue.

If the mechanic is happy, and at the end of the day it's his livelihood on the line, then I'm happy... In fact I'm very happy, my car is currently safe, it's put my mind at ease somewhat and I don't have to pimp myself on a street corner to raise cash for repairs.

Is Anxiety Still Anxiety When It's Rational?

I live in a perpetual state of feeling like my entire world is about to fall apart, a constant awareness of disaster looming in the periphery of my perception… I’d love to say this malady is of my own making, that it’s all a figment of my overactive imagination, but I’m almost completely certain that I’m only very slightly exaggerating things to myself, that it is in fact simply reality.

My New (ish) Phone is Cursed!

My last phone was a first generation Moto G, I purchased it when it was a new release from phones4u. For its price point, it was well spec'd, very reliable and fairly rugged. The only reason I replaced it when I did was down to the battery, it's none removable and had come to the end of its life. Over the years I'd dropped the phone countless times, used it in very damp conditions, used it as an entertainment device and used it as a satnav when hiking and camping, nothing ever really phased it.

About 5 months ago, when the battery finally stopped holding a charge, I replaced my Moto G with the Moto G7 Power, expecting a similar level of reliability and ruggedness. My new phone is already almost completely knackered.

I'm not well paid, I understand the value of money and I like to look after what I own. The first thing I did when my new phone arrived was to install both a tempered glass screen protector and a shock resistant case, two things that served me very well on my previous model. This time around, however, it's apparently been a pointless endeavour.

As the name suggests a mobile phone is mobile and, as such, should realistically be able to withstand being used outside. I'm British, something which I'm increasingly embarrassed to admit, so when I'm outside it's inevitable that there's going to be a degree of moisture in the air. I answered a call in some fairly standard British drizzle, no real raindrops, mostly just moisture hanging in the air and just that small degree of dampness absolutely ruined the speaker. During the call the sound went from being fairly clear to heavily distorted and painfully tinny, at the time I thought this was just down to signal and didn't think too much of it until after the fact. To be honest this might not be an issue if it only affected my ringtone or the call quality, two things that I only experience occasionally, but it doesn't. My phone is an important tool in my day to day life, it's my alarm clock, my calendar, my navigation system, my word processor, my calculator, my primary source of entertainment, my main media access point and more. This essentially means that I hear sounds from the speaker dozens, potentially hundreds, of times a day, and it's causing me a real headache.

To make matters worse last weekend I dropped the phone, something I'd done to my old one hundreds of times with little to no ill effect, and, despite the protector, the screen actually shattered. To make it more annoying it's shattered underneath the screen protector, which remains fully intact.

How is it that technology and materials keep getting better, tougher and cheaper, but the things we rely on most seem to be getting worse, more fragile and more expensive? To say that I'm extremely disappointed in Motorola is an understatement.

Epicly Lucky

I’ve owned my car for about 6 weeks and in that time the battery has stopped holding a charge, the aftermarket immobiliser has failed and frequently prevents me from starting the engine, the windscreen has cracked, the brakes no longer brake and a tyre has burst. It’s always nice to see that my epic streak of good luck is continuing.

Brexit Night

It's official, the race to the bottom has now begun, my worry is that we've all underestimated just how far there is for us to fall before we hit it.

This may be me being intentionally naive, but I genuinely hope I'm wrong, that we can turn a disaster in to a success story and that Bojo the clown isn't as dishonest, or as much as a buffoon, as he appears to be.

A Quartet Of Tangy Chutneys

It's a new year, but it's still only January and, if you're anything like me, you have a ton of leftover cold meats and cheeses in the fridge and/or freezer. I refuse to waste food and my leftovers are in desperate need of using up (I'm forever short of freezer space). For me at least, the ideal way of using up this type of leftovers are meat and cheese boards or good old fashioned sandwiches and neither are complete without a healthy dollop of chutney or pickle. With that in mind here are 4 super simple, tangy chutneys that go great with meat and cheese.

Apple And Cranberry

You will need:
250g onion, sliced
250g apple, peeled and chopped
3cm chunk ginger, grated
1/2 tsp peppercorns, cracked
1/4 tsp mixed spice
1/4 tsp salt
250g brown sugar
100ml cider vinegar
250g cranberries

Method:
1. Add everything, but the cranberries, to a heavy bottomed saucepan.
2. Place over medium/high heat until boiling, reduce the heat until just simmering and cook for about 45 minutes, stirring regularly, until thickened.
3. Add the cranberries and continue to cook for a further 10 - 15 minutes.

Onion And Pepper

You will need:
250g onion, sliced
150g red pepper, chopped
150g green pepper, chopped
2 cloves garlic, crushed
3cm chunk ginger, grated
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper, ground
250g brown sugar
100ml cider vinegar

Method:
1. Add everything to a heavy bottomed saucepan.
2. Place over medium/high heat until boiling, reduce the heat until just simmering and cook for about 45 minutes, stirring regularly, until thickened.

Root Vegetable

You will need:
200g onion, finely chopped
100g carrot, finely chopped
100g swede, finely chopped
100g parsnip, finely chopped
100g apple, chopped
2 cloves garlic, crushed
3cm chunk ginger, grated
1/2 tsp dried thyme
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper, ground
250g brown sugar
100ml cider vinegar

Method:
1. Add everything to a heavy bottomed saucepan.
2. Place over medium/high heat until boiling, reduce the heat until just simmering and cook for about 60 minutes, stirring regularly, until thickened.

Tomato And Onion

You will need:
250g red onion, sliced
250g tomato, chopped
2 cloves garlic, crushed
3cm chunk ginger, grated
1/2 tsp paprika
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper, ground
250g brown sugar
100ml cider vinegar

Method:
1. Add everything to a heavy bottomed saucepan.
2. Place over medium/high heat until boiling, reduce the heat until just simmering and cook for about 60 minutes, stirring regularly, until thickened.

Notes:
Store in the fridge in sterilised jars and these should keep for weeks, if not a couple of months.

Amphibian Big Boy

Norman tootling around the bottom of his aquarium. He’s about 8 inches long so he’s a bit of a big boy considering we were told, by specialist aquatic pet shop, that he wouldn’t grow any bigger than 6 inches (we suspect that he’s actually a yellow bellied slider and could grow to be twice that length). Fortunately we bought an aquarium that would be oversized for a smaller terrapin and, even though I think he could do with something little bigger, he seems happy enough.

I Suck At Existing

I had every intention of starting this year right, but getting up early, exercising and getting ready, with plenty of time to spare, is a total ball ache and, now the morning is here, I have absolutely no drive or inclination to do it.