Back To The Shit Show

I’m back in work on Thursday and, after nearly a month off, I’m starting to get really anxious about stepping back into the office.

It may not sound like it should be, but to me this is going to be a real challenge.

I honestly don’t feel like I’m mentally built to cope with the daily grind, but I don’t have the talent/creativity/intelligence/skill/drive required to be anything but a slave to it.

Not The 10 Year Challenge

I keep seeing the ‘10 year challenge’ popping up in my various social media feeds, there’s 2 main reasons why I won’t be taking part.

1. I don’t have a picture of me that’s 10 years old.

2. I’ve achieved almost nothing in the last 10 years, in fact my decade has been a litany of failures.

Just A Home Cook, And Not Even That Good At It

Today I’ve cooked a roast turkey, a roast duck, a glazed ham, 3 different types of stuffing, pigs in blankets, honey roast carrots and parsnips, roast potatoes, mashed potatoes, brussels sprouts with pancetta, baked leaks and turkey gravy… I’m knackered, I don’t know how chefs do it day in and day out.

So I Got A Car…

Getting Back To Normal… Ish

It's been nearly 3 weeks since I failed my driving test and had my first full on public panic attack in about a decade. I considered these to be 2 heavy knocks to my self confidence and they pushed me into something of a spiral. After a particularly rough week, the combination of anxiety, depression and insomnia (largely caused by the anxiety and depression) had left me emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted and I made the decision to do something about it. 

I used my remaining annual leave to break up early for the Christmas period, headed to the local chemist to get some over the counter sleeping tablets and ordered  some St. John's Wort herbal tea bags (St. John's Wort is supposed to be good for anxiety and insomnia, the tea tasted pretty rank and I'm not sure if it actually helped, but I thought it was worth a try.) from Amazon. Whilst the tea and tablets didn't really help me to sleep through the whole night, they did make it considerably easier to fall asleep in the first place and that was a step in the right direction. The combination of not being at work and sleeping a little better helped me to break the spiral and get into a better frame of mind. 

To cut a long story short, I was able to force myself to have another couple of driving lessons, rebook my practical and even manage to take advantage of a last minute cancellation to get the test in earlier than I otherwise would. Thankfully this time I passed, I don't even want to think about where I'd be mentally if I'd failed, and, although I don't have a car yet, that is one less thing for me to worry about. 

My anxiety is still pretty high, I'm still struggling to get a good night's sleep and I'm still not coping with being out in public in general, but the depression has more or less receded back to my normal manageable doldrum, I'm starting to feel more like, what I've come to accept as, myself again.

Missed Opportunity

We had the opportunity to say no to dishonesty, no to bigotry, no to massive corporations avoiding taxation, no to pandering to the whims of the richest 1%.

Instead of this we chose to say no to having more say in the Brexit process, no to protecting the NHS for future generations, no to helping the most vulnerable in our society, no to a fairer distribution of taxation.

To say that I'm massively disappointed in the outcome of the general election is an understatement, to say I understand why people choose to vote the way they did would be a lie. What I do understand is that the majority of people who voted Conservative, the rich, the misguided elderly, the middle class with poorly informed views on climbing the social ladder, the outright bigoted, are the people least, or think they are, likely to be affected by their policies and that all they've really done is shown the rest of us just how little understanding they have of the world at large and just how little empathy they possess.

For those of you who voted Conservative 'to get Brexit done' or just because you're sick of hearing about it, you seem to have forgotten the most important fact. They are the party that put us in this mess to begin with, the one that kicked off the whole process with little to no understanding of what that would entail, who, after months of nothing but bickering and infighting, invoked article 50 with no deal, or even a deal in principle, in place, who to this day have no viable option for our withdrawal on the table and seem to care very little about actually doing so. You have voted for a party that is literally incapable of getting Brexit done and will allow us to free fall out of Europe with nothing to stop us but our face and the jagged, broken, rocky ground that is reality. 

We are in for years, if not decades, of economic slowdown and potentially even recession. Don't worry though whilst the Conservatives are in power they won't let this hurt the wealthy, they'll keep tax on high earners low, they'll still use tax payers money to bail out failing big businesses and continue to give the most lucrative government contracts to their already massively wealthy friends. They do have plans to fund this... They'll cut funding to the social support structures that help the most vulnerable amongst us, they'll make it even harder for the disabled to claim benefits, they'll further cut funding to police forces, fire brigades and other emergency services, they'll cut funding to our schools and education systems, they'll cut funding to and further privatise the NHS.

This may all seem like liberal scare mongering, but you only have to look around to see that this is already happening, the truth is out there to see if you're willing to look for it. I'm not even that politically minded and I can see this, how are so many people living in willful ignorance?

Why Are The General Public Such Cunts?

I live in England, we had yet another general election yesterday and somehow, despite royally fucking us over almost every time they get in power, the Conservatives won (that said Labour aren't all that much better).

England is a country where you can literally get in trouble with the police for hurting someone's feelings, where freedom of speech is basically just a myth, where the masses get offended over the most minor of things most of the time, and are very vocal about it. Although some people do disagree, most appear to be ok with it and it all seems to be for the sake of political correctness and ensuring no-one feels discriminated against (although a lot of people still are).

The question I have is given their track record, and the fact that we are somewhat of a snowflake society, how in hell are the openly racist, sexist, elitist, bigoted buffoons we currently have in government still in power and still getting voted for?

Craving That Good Weekend Oblivion

It’s Saturday morning, I’m tired, I have literally no need, or desire, to be awake and all I really want is the silent oblivion of a deep and dreamless sleep.

At 6:30 am my brain is like “Wakey, wakey, rise and shine… here’s all the shit going on in your life that’s making you anxious… enjoy” and now my heart is absolutely thumping out of my chest and there’s no chance of me getting back to sleep.

Why Do I Only Remember The Bad Dreams?

To be honest I stopped remembering the majority of my dreams a long time ago, some nights I’m not even entirely sure if I dreamt at all, but tonight I definitely did.

A tallish, chubby, bearded man (not me, it doesn’t look like me and there’s no sense that he represents me in the dream) puts his kids to bed, he kisses both of them on the forehead, shuts their bedroom door and heads downstairs into the kitchen and makes two mugs of cocoa with marshmallows.

His partner/girlfriend/wife calls to him quietly from the darkened living room “the films starting hurry up”. He takes a partially melted mallow from a mug and eats it before heading into the darkened room.

The film ends and they’re both sat on a sofa under a blanket. She says “OK, I’m going to bed, you coming?” And he replies “Go get yourself cozy, I’ll be up in a minute, I just want to tidy this up first.” He gestures to a coffee table in front of the sofa.

She heads up to bed, the focus switches to her (she doesn’t look like anyone I know and there’s no sense of recognition), she lays down on the bed and instantly flashes into a flashing dreamscape of horror film scenarios. She wakes up in the corner of the room, clothes torn, covered in blood and something organic looking stabbed in to her thigh.

She screams, pulls the thing out of her thigh and covers the wound with her hand. There’s panic on her face as she looks around the room, it’s covered in blood, gore and what looks like chunks of torn up meat.

She leaves the room and slams the door behind her, the landing is empty and looks entirely undisturbed. She tells herself that she was still partially asleep, the bedroom was just part of her nightmare and it calms her down. She can hear loud TV static from downstairs and thinks it’s her partner, he’s put on another film and fallen asleep on the sofa, it was the noise from his film that caused the horrible dreams.

She goes downstairs into the kitchen, it’s dark, she can hear quiet sobbing and sniffling mixed in amongst the now extremely loud static.

She turns on the light, the room has been wrecked, the table is overturned, cupboards are hanging off walls, the contents strewn across the floor and again there’s blood, gore and unrecognisable chunks of meat all over.

She’s panicking again, she’s trying to tell herself she’s still dreaming, she’ll wake up soon and everything will be OK. The sobbing is louder now, it sounds more desperate and it sounds like a child. It’s coming from behind the table, she rushes over, shoves the table aside and she’s her son. His legs have been broken, almost crushed, he’s cradling the remains of his sister, her belly has been torn open and it’s contents are spilling all over the floor.

The son screams at the site of her and tries to back further away. He’s crying harder now, “Please, we’ll be good, please, it hurts, please, no more mommy”. She steps back, looks desperately around the room and the unrecognisable chunks of meat come into sharp focus, they used to be her husband. She looks down at her hands and remembers, in violent flashes, what she’s done.

I'm Still Just A Broken Child Under All This Hair

I know that I often come across as a little whiny and self indulgent, on here at least, but that’s because I tend to use my blog as my emotional dumping ground. If something that I consider bad happens to me I post about it, if I’m upset about something I post about it, if I’m feeling generally shitty I post about it.

I don’t talk about these sorts of things in real life because I either don’t have anyone to talk to them about or I don’t want to burden people with my problems or I feel like my issues are trivial and I’m making a big deal over nothing. Even so there’s actually still a lot of stuff that I don’t post about on here because I’m probably just being stupid and I shouldn’t be letting it bother me.

I know that not a lot of people read my posts, but those that do are often seeing a side of me that very few other people get to see. Almost everyone that knows me has seen the overgrown child, who’s well into adulthood, that still loves video games, action figures and comic books (though I hardly ever buy either of them and it’s even rarer that I read/play with them these days). You get to see the broken child who’s still scared of things he should have grown out of years ago, who’s still struggling with understanding his emotions and never quite learned how to interact with other people.

I don’t think that the people I do somehow manage to interact with in my day to day life would understand the broken child…

I’m tired…

To Put It Plainly, I'm A Failure

I had my first panic attack in over 10 years today, I’d forgotten what they felt like. I was in a supermarket, I wasn’t coping well, and I suddenly couldn’t catch my breath. My heart started to race, it was beating so hard, it felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack and I didn’t know what to do. Thankfully my memory kicked in, I remembered what to do and I got myself under control.

My self confidence was hit really hard on Friday, there’s been a big chunk taken out of it and I didn’t really have a lot to begin with. I failed my driving practical test after nearly a year of lessons and it’s just knocked me for six.

It doesn’t sound like a big thing and probably isn’t to most people, but to me it really is. Passing my driving test should have been the culmination of many years of fighting my own stubbornness and anxiety. I was sure I was ready, I honestly thought I could do it, I’d spent weeks preparing myself and was at a point where everything felt right.

The depression has kicked back in, it’s the worst it’s been in about 15 years, my self loathing is currently through the roof and my anxiety has made a hell of a comeback.

Wishing I Was Living In A Dream

I often fantasise about winning the lottery, not like an insane amount, just enough to know that I, and anyone that I might decide to share my life with, will never have to work again and still afford a reasonable life style. To be honest sometimes having these day dreams to sink back into, like a comfort blanket, are one of the few things that keep me sane

The first thing I would do is leave my job, closely followed by selling, or giving away, anything that doesn’t have some kind of emotional meaning to me, or would be impossible to replace, and putting whatever remains into storage.

Once I’d done this I would buy a used, 4 wheel drive, estate car and spend the next few days/weeks turning it into a car camper. I’d have the rear windows blacked out, or replaced entirely by solid panels, remove the back seats, level out the floor so I can install a bed, utilising footwells etc. as storage compartments, and kit it out with basic camping, hiking and general survival equipment.

I’d use my new car camper to be a modern day wanderer, travelling around the country, visiting places of interest or natural beauty and using the equipment in my car, the car it self acting as a base camp, to explore locations I may otherwise never see.

Once I’d had my fill of exploring I’d like to settle down in a small house, preferably with no immediate neighbours, and live a fairly simple life of cooking, making preserves, growing veg, consuming copious amounts of media (books, games, films etc.), learning new things (like archery) and looking after a few animals.

Friday Night

It's Friday night, it's late, it's been a long week and I think I deserve a little something to relax with.

Chicken, Pumpkin And Chickpea Curry

Rich, creamy, flavoursome and a little bit seasonal (it's currently autumn/winter). I know this is very similar to a couple of other recipes I’ve posted in the past, but I do love a curry and sometimes changing just a few little things can alter the flavour dramatically.

You will need:
1 tbsp vegetable oil (rapeseed oil)
3 medium onions, sliced
6 chicken thighs, boned and very roughly chopped
4 cloves of garlic, crushed
1 thumb sized piece of ginger, grated
3 chillies, finely chopped
2/3 tbsp curry paste*
1 small pumpkin, peeled and cut into 1 inch chunks
250ml chicken stock
1 can reduced-fat coconut milk
1 can chickpeas, drained
1 handful fresh coriander, chopped

Method:
1. Heat the vegetable oil over low/medium heat in a large saucepan with a lid.
2. Add the onion and cook for 10-15 minutes, until they begin to caramelise.
3. Turn up the heat to medium, add the chicken and continue to cook for a further 2-3 minutes, until just coloured.
4. Add the garlic, ginger and chilli and cook for another minute.
5. Stir in the curry paste and cook, stirring constantly to stop it catching, for 1 minute, until fragrant.
6. Add in the pumpkin, stock and coconut milk, stir, bring to a simmer and cook for about 10 minutes.
7. Add in the chickpeas, stir and continue to cook until the pumpkin is tender.
8. Remove from the heat, stir through the coriander and serve.

Notes:
Serve over rice, with a naan or maybe both (definitely both).

* You can easily substitute with curry powder if you don't have paste.

Nan’s Victoria Sponge

This is my Nan’s victoria sponge recipe, it's super simple, always gives decent results, nicely fills two 8 inch cake tins and is the starting point for every sponge style cake that I ever make.

For the cake you will need:
8oz (roughly 225g) caster sugar
8oz (roughly 225g) butter
8oz (roughly 225g) self raising flour
3 large eggs, beaten

For the buttercream you will need:
12oz (roughly 340g) icing sugar
6oz (roughly 160g) butter
1/4 tsp vanilla essence

6 tbsp apricot jam (approx)

Method:
1. Preheat the oven to 160°C.
2. Add the sugar and butter to a fairly large bowl and cream together until fluffy.
3. Add in the flour and fold until combined.
4. Add the egg, a little at a time, folding in until fully combined.
5. Pour the mix into 2 lined 8 inch cake tins and bake for 20-30 minutes, until golden brown and a cocktail stick comes out clean.
6. Once cooked, turn out of the tin and place on a wire rack to cool.
7. In a large bowl cream the icing sugar, butter and vanilla essence together until smooth.
8. Once the cakes are completely cool spread the jam onto one of the cakes, top with the buttercream and sandwich with the second cake on top.
9. (Optional) Sprinkle the top with a little caster or icing sugar for decoration.

Notes:
Believe it or not these cakes actually freeze really well. Once completely cooled, rather than filling, wrap the cake in cling film, place into a freezer bag and freeze for up to 6 months. My Nan would use a slightly modified, and scaled up, version of this recipe to make large batches of cupcakes, freeze them and simply get one out, before putting the kettle on, to have alongside her cup of tea. My Nan always insisted on using buttercream, NEVER fresh whipped cream, and apricot jam as the filling, anything else just wasn’t right.

Insomnia Sucks...

I went to bed just after midnight and fell asleep straight away. I’ve slept very poorly for the last few nights and I’ve been feeling pretty shitty for it. Falling asleep easily tonight, after not really sleeping at all last night, felt amazing.

Unfortunately I became aware that I was no longer asleep a while ago, I often drift in and out of wakefulness throughout the night, and have been unable to get back to sleep since. This is showing no signs of changing any time soon and I’m unlikely to get anymore sleep tonight.

Assuming that I’d maybe managed 3 or 4 hours sleep and, considering that I’ve been awake for about an hour, thinking that my alarm would probably be going off soon, I checked the time. It was 2:30 and that means I will have slept for a grand total of just over an hour tonight.

Apple And Cinnamon Sponge Cake

IT'S AUTUMN... is there a more autumnal flavour combination that apple and cinnamon? It's possible, but I'm hard pressed to think of one. This lovely cake instantly conjures up images of wool jumpers, thick socks, hot chocolate and leaves changing colours. Please note this recipe isn’t entirely mine, it’s a modified version of the recipe my Nan always used for her victoria sponges.

You will need:
100g soft brown sugar
100g caster sugar
200g butter
200g self raising flour
2 eggs, beaten
3 tsp ground cinnamon (I'm aware 3 tsp is 1 tbsp, but have you tried to get a tbsp in a supermarket jar of ground cinnamon?)
1/4 tsp ground nutmeg
1/4 tsp ground cloves
1/2 tsp ground ginger
4 - 6 apples (depending on their size), peeled, cored and chopped

Method:
1. Preheat the oven to 170°C.
2. Add the sugar and butter to a fairly large bowl and cream together until fluffy.
3. Add in the flour and fold until combined.
4. Add the egg, a little at a time, folding in until fully combined.
5. Add in the spices and fold through.
6. Add the apple and fold until fairly evenly distributed through the mix.
7. Pour the mix into a lined cake tin and bake for 40-50 minutes, until golden brown.
8. Once cooked, turn out of the tin and place on a wire rack to cool.

Notes:
Eat this as is or glaze it with a simple sugar glaze, made from a mix of milk, icing sugar and vanilla extract. When I first made this I left the apples fairly coarse, I would advise chopping them slightly more finely.

Wintery Packed Lunch

I’m heading out for the day, it’s cold, wet and windy and there’s going to be a whole bunch of us there, I decided to put up a little packed lunch of soup and a sandwich for everyone. Butternut squash soup and a honey glazed ham, baked in cider, sandwiches anyone?

Not A Waste Of Time

I might not have used my week off to actually do anything, other than eat far too much and skip exercising, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve wasted it. It’s nice to be able to switch off, or at least try to, and not have anyone expecting something from me for a few days.

Herb Garden

This cooler weather is really starting to take it’s toll on my herb garden.

Monday Breakfast, What? I’m On Holiday…

Freshly brewed coffee, pumpkin spice bagel and a pot of skyre, maybe not the healthiest of breakfasts, but it was absolutely lovely.

Time For A Tea Time Treat

A slice of cinnamon apple cake and a mug of tea? It would be rude not to.

Saturday Baking

It’s Saturday, I’m currently sat in my poncho (because I’m stylish as fuck), watching the wind and rain, whilst waiting for a cake to bake.

Stormy Weather

As much as I love this stormy weather, with it’s moody sky, blustery winds and lashing rain, it doesn’t half make me look like a fucking tramp.

My Brain

My brain is in a constant state of flux, switching between heavily romanticising the oblivion of death and the desire to live forever. It does this seemingly at random and often in spite of my general mood at the time.

A Bit Spaffy

I’m not sure who’s idea it was to put this up in the men’s toilet, but I’m not entirely convinced it was a good idea… it’s gotten a bit… spaffy.

My True Form Is Finally Revealed…

I Am A Self Confessed Food And Drink Snob

One of the things that people don’t really know about me is that I can be pretty snobby, but it only really comes into play with certain things, food and drink is one of those things. My snobbery isn’t based on a brands name, or shopping in a particular store, I try not to buy into perceived prestige. My snobbery is based on the quality of the product, the name on the package or where it was bought from quite regularly doesn’t guarantee quality.

With that said, because I’ve had good experiences with them, I have come to associate particular brands or stores with a certain level of quality. One of these is M&S food, their own branded ranges are usually a reasonable balance of quality and price, and I’ve never had a product of theirs that wasn’t at least good. So if I want to treat myself to something that I know is going to be reliable I head to M&S.

One of things I tend to treat myself to is tea, I love a good cup of loose leaf tea made in a teapot. As the name ‘loose leaf’ suggests, a sign that a tea is going to be of better quality is that it’s made up of something that is recognisable as at least part of a dried leaf. Bad quality 'loose leaf’ tea generally looks nothing like leaves of any kind and instead resembles dark brown gritty dust.

I have gone out of my way to treat myself to a 'premium’ tea from M&S, spending a little more on it than normal supermarket 'loose leaf’, only to end up with a bag of gritty dust. To say that I’m disappointed is an understatement, I just hope that it tastes better than it looks… SPOILER ALERT… it doesn’t, it tastes only slightly better than tea made using a standard teabag. I’m very disappointed in you M&S, I expected better.

Hiding Out In The Toilet

You know that you’re in for a good week when you didn’t even make it to midday on Monday before resorting to hiding out in the toilet.

My Weekend In Images

A brief summary of my weekend in images, I cooked a little, ate way too much, bought some pumpkins/squashes and enjoyed a very long soak in a hot bath (I also binge watched all 3 series of She-Ra because I’m totally an adult).

It’s Monday Morning

It’s Monday morning and I really should get up and start the week with good intentions, but that means getting up early and working out before work. Right now I have a few issues with that:

1. I really don’t want to work out

2. I really really don’t want to go to work

and

3. I really really really don’t want to get up

As you can imagine, this is making the prospect of getting up specifically to work out before going to work a particularly unpleasant one.

The 'Stood In A Carpark' Selfie

The 'stood in a carpark waiting on my friend, who is 40 minutes late, to show up' selfie.

Increasingly Rare

The increasingly rare, but equally terrible, not at work selfie.

First Pumpkin Of The Season

First pumpkin of the season, it’s going to taste so good cut in half, seasoned with a good sized pinch of salt and pepper and then simply roasted in a hot oven.